Wrestling Roundup 9/28/12

29 Sep

Well, it’s Friday and you know what THAT means….it’s time for another edition of Uncle Vince and Aunt Dixie’s FAVORITE column: WRESTLING ROUNDUP!

As a plug before I begin this, check out Steve Juon’s site AngryMarks.com for all of your wrestling news and reviews and tell those queero faggots over at Wrestlezone to go fuck themselves. Instead of lies and half-truths, Steve gathers news from a VARIETY of sources so you get everything you need to know and unlike Justin LaBar, it’s all true.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get to the roundup:

 

 

 

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-In what is yet ANOTHER contradiction to WWE’s excuse that pulling the Attitude Era footage had absolutely, positively NOTHING to do with Linda’s election, the three disc Attitude Era set has been postponed until AFTER the election. I’d just LOVE to see the half assed excuses this time. But, here’s a memo to Titan Tower:

“Since you guys are trying to erase the Attitude Era stuff so bad, did you forget that your newest video game comes out on October 30th? You know, the one about the…ATTITUDE ERA?! I work as a poll worker and last I checked the election is on November 6th. Whoops! I guess that Irish mick lawyer of yours, Jerry McDevitt dropped the ball again. Tell me, Vince. How can I take your legal team seriously when they are building up more losses than the Detroit Lions? Seriously! Go ahead and tell THQ, who are already broke, that they have to postpone the game that will pay their bills for the rest of the year because your wife got butt hurt by a bunch of dirt digging politicians. Go ahead. I dare you. If you do, I shall chalk it up at yet ANOTHER loss to your crack legal team. Fuck you. Suck my dick.

Your friend, Johnny Blaze”

Now, let’s move on while I wait by the mailbox for a subpoena….

 

 

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-I’m all for making money and for the Indies to thrive, but even the most stuck up wrestling fan has to admit that enough is enough now. Did you see all of the shows for Wrestlemania weekend? JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY! As Owen Hart would say: “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” Now, I can handle the ROH shows or the PWG shows or even the *GASP* CZW shows. But, this year it seems that everyone and their mother has made at least two shows for Wrestlemania weekend. It’s not variety. It’s OVERSATURATION!

I still don’t understand the logic of having these shows in the first place though. Most of Wrestlemania’s live crowd come from other states and countries. Like these people will REALLY want to go out of their comfort zone and watch an Indy show some hour and a half away when they can just as easily walk across the street to Axxess? They are going to save their money for the big shows. They aren’t going to spend it on an Indy show. The few shows from ROH and others are fine when kept to a minimum. But, there are only so many smarks. The shows are supposed to be kept at a minimum so they can go to all of them. If you have an oversaturation, your audience will be thin to none.

Let me give a perfect example:

Say I fly into California on Friday afternoon for a wedding on Sunday night. I can make that plus a couple of dates with friends and maybe a reunion and actually stay because it’s only a few things to do.

But if I have the wedding on Sunday night and between Friday afternoon and Sunday night, I’m expected to be at three family reunions, five birthday parties, two funerals, three births, the rehearsal dinner for said wedding, the bachelor party, and then the reception, chances are I’m not going to attend everything because it’s humanly impossible and there are going to be a lot of disappointed people.

That’s what’s going to happen on Wrestlemania weekend. There are going to be a LOT of disappointed boys, girls, and fans and all because of greed. Proof positive of the biggest thing wrong with promoters in the business: they put their money before their brains. I’m looking at YOU, Eric Tapout. B.L.O.W. me!

Yeah, that’s a REAL great name for an ALL FEMALE PROMOTION! Sexist pig…..

 

 

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-Another note to WWE and I’m sure EVERYONE will agree with this one:

ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING LISTS!!!

We’re sick and tired of them! We don’t need a list for every fucking thing! I know you guys love to hire outsiders and make them writers but did you hire the guy that makes David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists? Judging by the content of your website, it sure in the fuck seems that you did.

But, since you’re so fond of lists, I have a few for you to do:

*The Top Ten Reasons That Randy Orton STILL Has A Job
*The Top Ten DUI’s In WWE History
*The Top Ten Reasons The Miz Is So Over With People
*The Top Ten People Who Are Asking For Their Releases
*The Top Ten Reasons Why Someone Thought The XFL Was A Good Idea

You know….lists that we ACTUALLY want to know about. Shit, I’d like to know why Orton still has a job or why The Miz is so over with the fans.

 

But being we’re talking Top Ten Lists, I have one of my own and it comes from the home office in Fucking, Austria.

Now, you all know about a group of people in WWE taking PCP and Marijuana and thinking that it was a great idea to make a Scooby Doo movie with WWE Superstars. So, I’d like to present to you….

 

THE TOP TEN MYSTERIES THAT MYSTERY INC. SHOULD INVESTIGATE IN WWE

10. Whatever happened to Batista’s appeal for his failed piss test?

9. Why are Chris Hero and Tyler Black STILL not on the main roster?

8. Why haven’t they committed R-Truth for talking to an imaginary person while Daniel Bryan had to go to anger management?

7. Why is the Miz so over with the fans?

6. Who thought it was a good idea for Skinner to run FCW?

5. Why was Abraham Washington fired for a rape joke, but Cameron got a slap on the wrist for a DUI, attempted bribery, and obstruction of justice(not to be confused with a MISCARRIAGE of justice although it certainly feels that way…)?

4. How the hell do the main eventers who fail their piss tests get a world title run, but the mid-carders who fail get suspended?

3. Who is booking this shit?

2. What happened to the Wrestlemania pay-off for the mid-carders?

 

And the number one mystery that Mystery Inc. should investigate in WWE is…..

 

1. How the hell does Randy Orton STILL have a job? 

 

I’m sorry. I’m STILL stuck on that…..

Moral of all of this? STOP WITH THE FUCKING LISTS!

 

 

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– Did anyone catch King Hunter’s interview about Jerry Lawler’s heart attack? That had to be one of the most self centered things I’ve ever seen. It’s one thing to credit the doctor and EMT’s, but to make it look like it was the WWE that saved him and emphasize the company more than the individual, it sickens me.

I’d put it right up there with Stephanie’s speech after 9/11 comparing the terrorist actions on American soil to the big bad federal government coming down with good reason on her daddy. But, then again, they ARE married to each other. It’s one ditz marrying another ditz. I can’t wait to see their kids grown. It’s like Carlos Mencia used to say, if you’re a dee and you marry a dee, then your kids will be….DEE DEE DEE!

Never mind “Thank God Jerry’s alright” or “it’s a miracle that he’s here, talking normally and alert”. No, thank God for the COMPANY! You know, I wondered how long it was going to take before the company exploited this. Now, we know. It’s two weeks later. Poor Jerry. I wonder if he even KNOWS that they are just exploiting him.

I tell you one thing though. If I had to deal with that shit on a daily basis with Titan, I’D have a heart attack too….

 

 

So, did you people think that this blog was going to be just taking shots at Titan? GUESS AGAIN, FUCKERS! It’s TNA’s turn! As Mike Goldberg would say: HERE WE GO!

 

 

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-So, TNA’s finally let the cat out of the bag and stripped Devon of the TV title. They made the announcement that it’s up to four people for that strap: Mr. Anderson, Magnus, Samoa Joe, and Garrett Bischoff.

Remember that song, kids? “One of these things is not like the other…..”

Yeah. This would be one of those times. So, who doesn’t fit? Let’s see if you can guess this one……

 

 

Time’s up! If you answered ANYTHING but Garrett Bischoff, do me a favor and get the fuck off of my blog….like NOW!

If you were smart and DID pick Garrett Bischoff, well done! I salute you. You clearly are a fan and know what should and shouldn’t be.

 

I’m willing to bet however that the people who think differently and thus were uninvited from this blog, are TNA management.

What the hell did this kid do exactly to be in that four? What skills does he possess to even GET a strap? Notice how I said “skills” and NOT “qualifications”. Because let’s face it, if I were to use the word “qualifications”, it could be brought up that he has a last name that’s known in the business.

Yes, it’s the old “He’s Got A Famous Last Name So Let’s Push Him” routine again. Aren’t we just SO excited for that shit! Because apparently having a “last name” in this business AUTOMATICALLY qualifies you to get the motherfucking keys to the kingdom.

Look, I understand that it’s a blessing and a curse, guys. But,  just as it is for you wrestlers, it is for us fans as well.

There HAVE been names that were good in this business, but most are just plain SHIT! For every exception like Curt Hennig, there were about five or six that were complete shit like David Flair. But, promoters, seeing through rose colored glasses have this belief that just because someone has a last name, that automatically makes them good.

To THAT, I say: AU CONTRAIRE!

For you people that aren’t educated, that means “on the contrary” or “non comparable” in French. You just learned a new word in a foreign language.

You’re welcome!

In English, what I said was BULLSHIT!

Look at Randy Orton for example. All the motherfucker can do are headlocks, a punt, a temper tantrum that broke BOTH of his shoulder blades, and the RKO. Yet, because for some damn reason that people cheer him, he’s taken as being a good worker.

PREPOSTEROUS!

I can do a fucking headlock and I never had formal training. Anyone who’s ever played football can do a punt. The RKO is nothing more than a Diamond Cutter and last I checked, thirty two years old is too goddamn old to be doing a temper tantrum. I stopped that shit when I was seven!

Just like Garrett Bischoff. Since these morons cheer him for whatever goddamn reason(although, my money’s on him looking like the guy that flips burgers at Burger King and since that’s pretty much the occupation of most of the dumb wrestling fans, they are drawn to him like flies to a pile of shit), they push him to the moon.

This boy cannot chain wrestle nor does he know any moves PERIOD. If he was entertaining enough, that could be overlooked. The Ulitmate Warrior is a PERFECT example of this. But, this kid’s not even entertaining. He’s fucking BORING! Besides that, the only high profile match he’s ever won was against his daddy, who’s ALSO not a worker. Every time else, he’s gotten his ass handed to him more times than the Washington Generals. For those of you that didn’t get the reference, those are the opponents of the Harlem Globetrotters. They lose EVERY game but with an occasional win, just like Garrett Bischoff.

What the HELL is he even DOING in that class of four? Last I checked, don’t you have to oh…I don’t know…WIN to get a title shot? Naw, fuck that! He’s got a last name! Put him in there! It’s bullshit, plain and simple. That spot should be given to someone more deserving, like Sonjay Dutt, Kenny King, or fuck, even Gunner’s green ass.

It should NOT be given to someone just because they are not only a last name, but the SON of one of the promoters! Remember the LAST time that happened? That company is no longer WITH us, is it? I rest my case….

 

 

 

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-Speaking of bullshit, the state of the Knockouts division. Unlike WWE, you have a chance to have better women’s wrestling than them, which isn’t that hard to begin with to be honest. I mean, I could take two bimbos from the local strip club, teach them basic wrestling holds, and put them in a Jell-O wrestling ring and they’d have a better match than ANYTHING the Divas division can do.

You have great workers like Mickie James, Tara, and ODB under contract, but because a certain fat fuck who used to wear make up, red panties, and squealed like someone had a vice grip on his testicles hates anything even remotely female, the division is in serious danger of collapsing.

You SHOULD know who I’m talking about by the description. But if you don’t, I’ll introduce you anyway. It’s BRUCE FUCKING PRITCHARD!

You might know him best as Brother Love. You know, the faggot preacher with the glasses who was always flustered around men and told them that he loved them? Yeeaahh, THAT guy. The one who got stripped to his panties in an image so horrifying and scarred so many people that they cut the part out of all future airings and home videos of that event. Might I add, he scarred more people in that one image more than Fox News did airing that suicide.

Oops! Too soon?

 

Still, that’s not too far from the real Bruce Pritchard. How? Let’s me list it for ya:

*Both men are loudmouthed pricks
*Both are yes men
*Both are really good at lying and padding their resume
*Both fluster real easy around the company of dudes
*Both say “I Love You” to grown men
*Both hate females unless they have male qualities(sorry Sherri, but it’s true. You CAN scrap like a dude, so….)
*Both don’t know shit about what works in the wrestling business
*Both make a living at making others miserable
*Both are nice on the outside but once you see their true colors, they are even worse than the devil
*Both love to talk shit and then run from a fight when confronted

Need I say more? All he was in Titan was Vince’s right hand man. Yet, in TNA he has the keys to the kingdom and the power to use them? If I were those women, I’d leave too. It looks like they had some brains mixed in with that silicone. I wonder what Prickard, as I like to call him or Dickard, is going to fuck up next over there. No wonder why TNA’s become a running joke…..

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-Speaking of running jokes, TNA has now passed a policy that their talent can only appear on DVD’s made by them.

How is this bad?

Consider the fact that almost EVERY independent promotion in the world puts out DVD’s of their shows. Since as Jesse Neal showed us, most of TNA’s talent don’t get paid very well, if at all, most of their livelihood comes from these independent shows. If the independent promotion cannot use you on their DVD’s, then they don’t want to book you. If they don’t book you, you don’t get paid.

So, in hindsight, TNA expects these people to rely on their TNA paychecks alone to make ends meet. Most of their talent only gets paid about $200 for a taping…AT MOST. How the FUCK do you expect a human being to live on only about $500 a month? You can’t. It’s not like YOU are going to raise their paychecks to make up for this, DITZIE! Are you REALLY that senile to think that a $10 DVD is really going to hurt you at ALL? Are you mad because more people go to independent shows than your own Pay-Per-Views? Are you mad that more people watched the latest PWG show than Impact Wrestling last week? Grow the fuck up!

But, considering the fact that she pretty much fucked the FOUNDER OF THE COMPANY OUT OF HIS OWN LIFE’S WORK mainly because she was butt hurt that he wouldn’t fuck her, my guess is that she is indeed, THAT senile.

Say what I will about Titan, even the developmental guys get $1,000 a WEEK. That’s four grand a month. Knowing this, I bet that there are MANY people that want to leave. But, because you are such a bitch that you filed a bogus lawsuit against Titan preventing them from hiring ANY of your talent, they cannot leave because Vince or King Hunter won’t even LOOK at them and are stuck there as prisoners. You might as well rename the Impact Zone to TNA State Penitentary.

People who always say Vince is the anti-Christ and the worst person on the world should REALLY have a look at YOUR record. You are “Satan In High Heels”. Come to think of it, I think they made a movie about your life by the same name. I’ve seen it and I think it’s damn accurate. I just hope Serg doesn’t see it. But then again, I guess he’s into being someone’s little bitch……

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-Now remember what I said before about Jell-O wrestling bimbos could put on better matches than the WWE Divas? If you don’t, you clearly were not paying attention.

But anyways, there are a couple of exceptions to that, but from the latest reports, I don’t think they’ll be there much longer.

 

As has been widely reported, Beth Phoenix is leaving the company and wrestling itself altogether. Now, let me address this.

If you need any reasons why, there are a few possibilities that could be the perfect mix.

 

First of all, she’s currently dating Adam Copeland, who is better known as Edge. He’s retired and there’s no doubt she’s seen through him that there truly IS life after wrestling. Both are wrestling fans at heart and are able to see things in this business for what they really are. In other words, they are NOT jaded like some of these models and bodybuilders who come in to become “sports entertainers”. They know when it’s time to hang them up because they’ve seen it many times before. They are students of the game.

 

Secondly, Beth has been a worker since 2001, meaning that she has eleven years under her belt. It may not seem like much, but trust me, it’s a LIFETIME in the wrestling business. Especially how physical it is now and that anyone and their family can be workers whether they know how to or not. There’s not as much protection as there used to be when there were just trained workers and it was a harder business to get in. It takes a toll on your body as well as your spirit, especially since she’s one of only a couple of people in that company who can actually work in the Divas division. It’s a harder burden.

 

Thirdly, another factor is her father. Stories were going around about it, but the confirmed one is that there was a HUGE death in her family. Coupled with the fact that it was widely known that her father was really sick, anyone can put two and two together and realize that she’s mourning her father’s passing.

I don’t care WHO you are, the fact that a father never got to see his grandchildren really takes a toll on you. I’m estranged from my parents and stepfamily, so I think about that sometimes myself. How am I supposed to explain to my children where their grandparents are? You can’t. If that’s going through my mind, I’m sure it’s going through Beth’s as well.

Also in that train of thought is that Beth is 32. Her biological clock is ticking. She is at the point in her life where settling down becomes a priority. I’ve personally seen it. Shit, most of my aunts growing up were in their early thirties and single. I used to hear that shit ALL the time. So, that’s DEFINITELY another factor as well.

 

Finally, she’s the best worker on that Divas roster and she gets shafted consistently for people who don’t know a wrist lock from a wristwatch. Let me tell you, you can only take it for so long before you get tired of it. Imagine if you were like one of my friends. He’s MORE than qualified to be a manager where he works, but that spot is consistently given either to outside hires or people that the boss favors for their looks. THAT’S what Beth had to deal with in Titan. I don’t blame her for quitting because of that alone.

Nevertheless, with all of these factors, I’m surprised that she didn’t leave a while ago. But still, she deserves it and I wish her the best in all of her future endeavors. I know Titan loves to throw that line around, but think about it. Do they REALLY mean that when they say it? Nope! But I do! Especially to Beth. I had lost all faith in women’s wrestling being as good as it was when I grew up until I went to an independent show and saw her work Jillian Hall. It was that feud that made me fans of both women. I met Jillian recently at an Indy show here in Jersey and she was flattered when I mentioned it. I had a great time meeting Jillian and I one day hope to do the same with Beth. But, I’m sure I will as anything’s possible in this life.

 

 

 

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-Beth isn’t the only one who’s making a run for the door like Arnold Schwartzenegger in that scene from Total Recall. Apparently, Beth’s impending exit is just the first in what’s being called a “mass exodus” of Divas. No shit! Most of them are hitting thirty and as I stated before, that’s the point in a woman life where she starts to try and wind things down. Not to mention that fans are starting to lose interest in the Divas because let’s face it folks, I hate to admit it(in fact I REALLY hate to admit it because I don’t like women being treated like objects) but with the WWE being PG, the real draw of the Divas division is fading away fast and I DON’T mean their amazing wrestling talent.

Well, I may be talking about it in SOME fashion….

The main draw of the Divas division, as I’m admitting begrudgingly, is that you have a bunch of half naked women rolling around rough housing. Added to that is the fact that their ring gear is so tight that it really shows off their….ahem….”assets”. The core audience of professional wrestling are males. So, when you have a group of women rough housing in barely there ring gear made for the purpose of showing you enough to get you to work with your imagination to slap your dick around, it’s going to be a hit.

But, since Titan is PG now, the women are being asked to cover up and wrestle. But, most of them weren’t hired to trade holds like Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat. They were hired for their ability to “prick up” an audience. These women are not wrestlers so much as they are glorified rats. So, when the job description changes and you can’t fill it, you leave.

I would NOT be surprised if the Divas division takes a nose dive. Titan realizes it. That’s why they brought in Sara Del Rey, the best women’s wrestler on the PLANET, to train these Divas how to wrestle. But, let’s face it folks, Sara will have as much success training these bitches how to wrestle as the United Nations had getting the Israelis and Palestinians to work out a peace treaty. In short, it’s IMPOSSIBLE and Sara Del Rey, as good as she is, will be running out of the door screaming like Supernanny did with Eric Cartman on that episode of South Park. Also, I cannot WAIT to see how long it takes for one of these “Divas” to throw into Sara’s face that “they shouldn’t learn from her because she’s not one of us” or that “We’re higher on the food chain than you so we don’t have to listen to you”. I really hope Sara stretches them real good when they say that and teach these little bitches a lesson that they will NEVER forget!

But, I really don’t give a shit if the Divas division DOES in fact, die. There is only ONE women’s promotion I watch and that’s Shimmer. At least those women know how to WRESTLE and not have to dress like sluts to get my attention.

But, you have to admit this one fact. If the daughter of Eddie Guerrero wants to get the hell out of dodge, then you KNOW something’s not right over there….

 

 

 

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-Speaking of bitches getting out of dodge, the angels in heaven started singing when it was announced that everyone’s favorite whore Kelly Kelly was released today.

This is proof positive that there IS a God. He might take forever sometimes, but the job gets done eventually.

She went on her Twitter and thanked everyone for her time there. I bet she even left a little “going away present” for a few of the boys that they’ll WISH would indeed “go away”.

This bitch is the EPITOME of my earlier discussion. She wasn’t brought in to wrestle. She was brought in to strip down to her underwear and show some skin. Then, they decided(most likely under the influence) that she should wrestle. What a clusterfuck THAT turned out to be. Within a few years, the Women’s Division turned into the DIVAS division and most of the good female workers got the fuck out of dodge. No WONDER why! They decided to make this glorified ring rat the centerpiece of that said division.

Then, if that wasn’t bad enough, she then tried her hand at doing some….ahem….”method acting” with the boys. As much as I hate Randy Orton, he told the truth. How do we know this? Because as SOON as he said that, he was forced to issue an apology and then WWE brass gave the Divas belt to her as their own apology. They probably even gave her a choice of the boys backstage too, but all we know is what is out there, so that’s all we can work with.

Now, there are people wondering why she left. My money is that she’s fucked all of the boys backstage there and decided to try her “method acting” skills in Hollywood. Good luck finding a movie role. The only movie role that she’s going to land is the role of a chick getting some dude’s dick shoved down her throat, and why not? She clearly has enough experience. Chyna did it and she succeeded….somewhat. But, goddammit, we NEED someone to break that barrier between wrestling and porn. But, to be honest, I don’t know why there’s even a barrier to begin with. I mean there IS wrestling in porno movies. But, not exactly the kind we see on television each week.

Other than that, there is a saying which fits in VERY well in this scenario: “Good riddance to bad rubbish” and Kelly Kelly was indeed that: RUBBISH!

So, good riddance! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out! At least I can sleep easier tonight knowing that I won’t hear that god awful theme music of yours or be blinded by your horrible wrestling skills.

As a postscript, I heard that she left on “good terms” and that “the door is always open for her to return”, which means that if the boys need a blonde to give them a good blow job, they’ll know who to call.

One final note to anyone that’s ever slept with her, you might want to get tested. I hear her pussy is a toxic wasteland….

 

 

Well, that wraps it up for this week! Tune in next week for another Wrestling Roundup. For now, I’m Johnny Blaze signing off!

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