Wrestling Terminology For Dummies: Titan Training

14 Nov

Sorry for the long absence. Shit’s been happening in my personal life and with Sandy wreaking havoc over here, it’s only made things worse. But, here’s something for the long wait.

It’s time for another entry in the book we call…..

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Today’s lesson is something familiar to EVERYONE. Whether or not you know the name, chances are if you’re even remotely a wrestling fan(i.e. the ones who just order Wrestlemania every year and that’s your bit of wrestling exposure), you’ve seen it. 

It’s something that we call:

TITAN TRAINING:

The name given by insiders who know WWE/WWF inside and out(most likely someone who used to be under contract with them) for their seemingly re-education program in order to work the “Titan Style”.

Titan Training encompasses:

 

UNLEARNING EVERYTHING YOU’VE LEARNED ABOUT THE BUSINESS. You will unlearn such things as:

*How To Work A Decent Match
*How To Cut Your OWN Promo
*How To Work The Crowd Through Hard Work
*Ring Psychology 101

and MORE!

MAKING YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER. Because let’s face it, you will not get pushed if you’re under 6’4″, weigh less than 275lbs, and have body fat higher than 3%.

 

LISTENING TO THE WRITERS AND MEMORIZING A SCRIPT. Oh, you’ve sold out arenas and put wrestling back on the map? What?! You did it on your own WITHOUT HELP?! That’s not going to fly here. We don’t need wrestlers, we need actors…uh…I mean “sports-entertainers”. So here, take this script, memorize it, and LEARN from it dammit! Who cares if you’ve been a wrestler for ten years and are qualified to be a legend and the person you’re taking direction from has only previously written for Nickelodeon and Disney? He knows more about the business than you do. Sure, he’s never watched ONE wrestling match before coming here, but still, he MUST know what he’s doing…..

 

LEARNING HOW TO SUCK UP AND KISS ASS. You’re really that damn good? You must be, that’s why we brought you up here. But, while you may be big outside of here, you’re NOTHING here. If you want us to even remotely do something with you, you must learn to accept that EVERYTHING we give you is a good idea. If you’re the greatest tag team of all time and we give you a wooden dummy as a manager(no, not The Great Khali and ACTUAL wooden dummy), it’s entertaining and therefore is a great idea! Oh, those boos? Don’t worry about it. The fans don’t really know what they want. They’ll learn….eventually….

Keep these points in mind and you’ll be a bona fide WWE Superstar. If you stray from ANY of these points, you’ll be back in FCW doing the honors for Hornswoggle….

Annnddd that wraps it up for this entry. Come back next time for another entry in the book we call..

WRESTLING TERMINOLOGY FOR DUMMIES!!

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