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Wrestling Terminology For Dummies: Titan Training

14 Nov

Sorry for the long absence. Shit’s been happening in my personal life and with Sandy wreaking havoc over here, it’s only made things worse. But, here’s something for the long wait.

It’s time for another entry in the book we call…..

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Today’s lesson is something familiar to EVERYONE. Whether or not you know the name, chances are if you’re even remotely a wrestling fan(i.e. the ones who just order Wrestlemania every year and that’s your bit of wrestling exposure), you’ve seen it. 

It’s something that we call:

TITAN TRAINING:

The name given by insiders who know WWE/WWF inside and out(most likely someone who used to be under contract with them) for their seemingly re-education program in order to work the “Titan Style”.

Titan Training encompasses:

 

UNLEARNING EVERYTHING YOU’VE LEARNED ABOUT THE BUSINESS. You will unlearn such things as:

*How To Work A Decent Match
*How To Cut Your OWN Promo
*How To Work The Crowd Through Hard Work
*Ring Psychology 101

and MORE!

MAKING YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER. Because let’s face it, you will not get pushed if you’re under 6’4″, weigh less than 275lbs, and have body fat higher than 3%.

 

LISTENING TO THE WRITERS AND MEMORIZING A SCRIPT. Oh, you’ve sold out arenas and put wrestling back on the map? What?! You did it on your own WITHOUT HELP?! That’s not going to fly here. We don’t need wrestlers, we need actors…uh…I mean “sports-entertainers”. So here, take this script, memorize it, and LEARN from it dammit! Who cares if you’ve been a wrestler for ten years and are qualified to be a legend and the person you’re taking direction from has only previously written for Nickelodeon and Disney? He knows more about the business than you do. Sure, he’s never watched ONE wrestling match before coming here, but still, he MUST know what he’s doing…..

 

LEARNING HOW TO SUCK UP AND KISS ASS. You’re really that damn good? You must be, that’s why we brought you up here. But, while you may be big outside of here, you’re NOTHING here. If you want us to even remotely do something with you, you must learn to accept that EVERYTHING we give you is a good idea. If you’re the greatest tag team of all time and we give you a wooden dummy as a manager(no, not The Great Khali and ACTUAL wooden dummy), it’s entertaining and therefore is a great idea! Oh, those boos? Don’t worry about it. The fans don’t really know what they want. They’ll learn….eventually….

Keep these points in mind and you’ll be a bona fide WWE Superstar. If you stray from ANY of these points, you’ll be back in FCW doing the honors for Hornswoggle….

Annnddd that wraps it up for this entry. Come back next time for another entry in the book we call..

WRESTLING TERMINOLOGY FOR DUMMIES!!

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Wrestling Roundup 10/12/12

13 Oct

Welcome marks, one and all, to the only blog written by a graduate of the Bobby Heenan School of Broadcast Journalism: WRESTLING ROUNDUP!

For references as to what I’m talking about, you can catch up on ALL the latest wrestling news, reviews, and recaps at AngryMarks.com. But, why stop there? You can check for the latest wrestling news twice on weekdays and once on the weekends. It’s the Wal-Mart of wrestling news! Instead of going to many different places, you can stop in one place for EVERYTHING!

Now, I’ve got to tell you all. It’s been a real DOOZY this past week. Maybe I’m getting a little mental and crazy from this month long “Shocktober” fest I’m on, as let’s face it, watching two or three horror flicks for twelve days straight now puts a person’s adrenaline at a fever pitch. But, JUST maybe, this has been a WILD week for professional wrestling as a whole. I’d bank my money on the latter rather than the former as I’ve NEVER seen anything like this past week. From Earth shaking Raws to a psychopathic bitch’s fourth and FIFTH arrests to a brotherly betrayal and THEN some, it’s all here this week.

There’s a LOT of ground to cover, so let’s get started!

 


-First off, we HAVE to talk about this because of the ramifications this will present. As everyone probably knows by now, Brian Gewirtz was fired as the head writer of Raw. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Now, what does this mean? Well, in addition to being the head writer of Raw, he was Stephanie McMahon’s right hand man, which meant he pretty much was second in command of the writing team PERIOD.

Now, let me tell you what happened in ADDITION to that. Vince McMahon has been getting a lot of shit from both the wrestlers AND the networks. Keep in mind that King Hunter isn’t officially in charge yet and that Vince pretty much still runs day to day operations and has the final say.

 

The networks are up in arms because the extra hour they gave Vince is not doing as well as expected. They are paying him more money for the three-hour Raw and they want results that they are just not getting. They have a lot LESS patience with him due to the whole WWE Network debacle.

 

For those that weren’t aware, NBC Universal which is the parent company of USA, offered Vince part of Universal HD to air their material that the WWE Network was to have aired. Vince being Vince, instead of taking them up on the offer knowing that they had no other options available at that point, told NBC Universal that either he gets the WHOLE network or there’s no deal. Well, considering that Universal HD is a big network for NBC Universal as they show the back catalog of Universal’s movies and shows, they refused to do that for him and Vince pretty much told NBC Universal to go do something to themselves that begins with F, ends in K, and consists of four letters. Ever since then, their tolerance with him and his attitude has taken a nose dive.

 

Who can blame them? NBC has over the past twenty-seven years, plunked down and LOST millions of dollars to fulfill and take a chance on Vince’s endeavors. Their sports division helped Vince create Saturday Night’s Main Event, which after high ratings for many years and after helping Vince get the then WWF into millions of homes, plummeted in the early 90’s, forcing it’s cancellation. Then, Vince took it to Fox which got even SHITTIER ratings and flopped after only two episodes. Then of course, came the XFL which NBC lost money rumored to be in the eight figures. Lastly, the failures of the recent NBC-WWE specials, including a reboot of Saturday Night’s Main Event, and you’ll understand WHY NBC Universal’s lost their patience with him.

 

Then, you got the wrestlers complaining. Actually, I SHOULD say “Superstars” and to call them wrestlers would be like calling the Italian mob a “Mafia”. It’s an unspeakable crime. Now, usually there is sour grapes in wrestling. Bitchy wrestlers go with the business like peanut butter and jelly. It happens all the time and keeps people like that pedophile ass burglar Rob Feinstein in business. But, when your TOP STARS start complaining, then you know you’ve REALLY done wrong. Yep, apparently some of the top stars are NOT happy. One of them was John Cena who had a NICE blow out with King Hunter over the direction of his character and the company as a whole. But, right before the firing of Gewirtz, ANOTHER top star told Vince that the company was going to hell in a handbasket and that if he doesn’t do something to fix it, he’ll be personally responsible for the company’s downfall.

So, you know now WHY Vince was FURIOUS and wanting blood.

Apparently, as SOON as he walked in to the arena, he told Gewirtz to pack his shit and go. Then, he said that he was an example and that MORE firings will come if the company doesn’t change. Then, AFTER the firing, came one of the BEST RAWS IN YEARS! The crowd was hot, the matches were good and it felt like wrestling again. Hell, it was so good that the camera was SHAKING. That’s how hot the crowd was. Their cheers and stomps made the building shake which in turn made the camera shake.

So, it looked like a step in the right direction, no?

But, it didn’t take long to fuck everything up. The person who was chosen to replace Gewirtz was a former executive at Warner Brothers. Yeah. THAT’S the person for the job. Does Vince know that Dusty Rhodes, Kevin Sullivan, Jim Cornette and Gabe Sapolsky aren’t doing SHIT right now? Fuck, they even have PAUL FUCKING HEYMAN under contract. Yet, above ALL of these VERY qualified individuals, men that have kept companies afloat with their booking skills, they choose someone who’s a former executive of a MOVIE STUDIO. Something that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WRESTLING BUSINESS. Remember the LAST time this happened? Does Jim Herd: Pizza King ring a bell? Proof positive that in Titan, the more things change, the more they will stay the same.

You’ve got a bunch of writers on your staff instead of bookers. These are people who’s ONLY experience with writing were shows like The Hills, iCarly, and Victorious. Not only that, they are good at kissing Vince’s ass and telling him what he wants to hear instead of what he SHOULD hear.

All in all, while this may be big and it’s going to be entertaining to see what happens next as nothing will really change too much, if Vince REALLY wants to change, he’s going to have to remove the BIGGEST obstacle that’s keeping them down: HIMSELF.

But, the ONLY way that is ever going to happen is if he drops dead. So, it’s going to be a LONG while…..

 

 

 

 

-Now, without going into too much detail about the things I’ve experienced in my life, it never seems to amaze me how some people can set the bar lower even if the bar is already as low as it can go, but this week proved me wrong. It’s getting to the point that I hate….no no….I DREAD writing about this bitch but it’s my duty to do so, so let’s get this done and over with.

As if THREE arrests within days of each other wasn’t enough, it appears that earlier this week, everyone’s favorite psycho bitch Sunny was arrested for the FOURTH time this week on yet ANOTHER domestic dispute. You know the story. She was released and arrested again for a FIFTH TIME just HOURS later after she was caught breaking in to the house where she stayed with her boyfriend. Yep, this would be protection order violation number five AND burglary.

Her bullshit story is that she was trying to get her things because she thought that he wouldn’t be home. Umm…yeah…didn’t she realize that she could’ve made arrangements with the local police department to have a sheriff accompany her to the house to get her things, or was she too fucking drunk to realize that? Well, it appears to be the latter as in both the aforementioned arrests, she was dead drunk. I mean SO drunk that if you were to stand by her, her breath would bleach your hair. So drunk that if she were to piss, it’d be 100 proof pure alcohol.

But, thankfully for us, the judge presiding over her fifth arrest held her without bond and told her that if she wants to be free, she’ll have to post $100,000 CASH and she CANNOT use a bail bondsman to get her out, ending ANY chance that she might have had at pulling a double hat trick. As of this writing, I believe that she’s still in jail and we can all sleep easier tonight knowing that.

But, it’s interesting what her boyfriend said. She beat his ass from here to Kingdom Come and he still insists that “when she’s sober, she’s the best person in the world but when she’s drunk, she’s an uncontrollable demon”. Yeah, sure. It looks looks like Sunny LEGITIMATELY whipped him. He’s more delusional than those serial killers I’ve been seeing in the movies I’ve been watching the last few days. Obviously, this boy needs to see the video of that bus driver beating down that bitch who tried to assault him. He could learn a few things from that.

 

 

 


-Another hot item this week is something that is a little closer to home. As was discussed last week, footage from Hulk Hogan’s sex tape has leaked. This week, we learned that the woman in the tape was Heather Clem, which is the ex-wife of everyone’s favorite lard ass Bubba The Love Sponge. But the BIGGEST shocker was that not only was it filmed in Bubba’s bedroom, Bubba had setup Hogan with the tape and was revealed at the end of the tape to have planned it so that “if we ever wanted to retire, we could use this tape”. As most of you are aware, Bubba and Hulk are friends with the latter considering the former to be a brother to him.

It’s sad to see this as I’ve been betrayed by people who I thought were my brothers as well and as such, know the feeling all too well. It doubly sucks seeing the man who I looked up to as a child go through the same ordeal that I’ve been through.

But, once a piece of trash ALWAYS a piece of trash and that’s EXACTLY what Bubba is: TRASH. One look at his track record and you’ll see the kind of person he is. But, while I can understand making a bad decision and the shit he went through, Hulk should’ve KNOWN he was being set up. Now, raise your hand if this ever happened to you: your best friend offering up his wife for you to fuck in his own bedroom and with you out of the room.

What’s this? NONE of you have raised your hands? I THOUGHT so.

That’s because it NEVER happens. A REAL friend would NEVER ask you to do something that you don’t want to do, nor will they ask you to compromise your morals. Bubba with this, was guilty on BOTH of these counts.

I refuse to believe that someone would be THAT fucked up in the head that they’d actually think otherwise. I’ve been through a lot of shit, done some things I’m not proud of, but NOTHING as obvious as this. While Hulk’s being outward about it, I feel that maybe there are some things that we HAVEN’T been told. We all know that Bubba released the tape. It STUPID to believe that an employee got a tape like that without it being given to them. I’d NEVER let one of my employees into my office or ANY ROOM in the house without supervision. Also, there was a copy made, which means that it was GOING to be used. Even IF we give the fat bastard the benefit of the doubt and he didn’t leak it, he still made a copy and had evil intentions to USE that tape. He’d be just as responsible as the person who leaked the tape, but considering what he said at the end of it, it’s painfully obvious that the person who made the copy and leaked it are one and the same.

I know Hulk feels like he owes Bubba. After all, it was Bubba who got him fixed up with his current wife. But, a crime is a crime. He MUST pay for it somehow. But since he’s lawyered up, he cannot do anything to Bubba if you catch my drift. For example, we cannot see Bubba lying in a ditch somewhere with his ugly face so fucked up, that he’d actually look decent.

I guess the moral of this story is think before you act and watch who you consider your close friends.
On a closing note, as I’m writing this, I cannot help but to think of what the Honky Tonk Man said on his radio show:

“You had Bubba calling Hogan’s wife everything but a good Christian woman during their divorce on his radio show. Why don’t he have Hogan come on there and bash Bubba’s wife?”

Well, now we KNOW why. Hogan didn’t bash Bubba’s wife because he was too busy fucking her to do so.

 

 


-In other news, CM Punk was the talk of the wrestling business this week and NOT for his new home video. In the heat of the moment, Punk punched a fan who he thought was swinging on him. Come to find out, he wasn’t swinging on Punk, but was an innocent bystander. The fan who DID punch Punk ran off like a bitch and openly admitted doing it on Twitter. After that, the fan declined to press criminal charges, but is thinking about a lawsuit. That WOULD be a good idea, except for one thing: the people he’s considering to sue are both the WWE AND Punk. WHY? Punk apologized and said it was an accident and the fan who DID hit him came forward and admitted it. So, why isn’t the fan who was hit suing the fan who actually DID hit Punk. He revealed his real name and it’s on his Twitter where he lives. Add that with a full blown confession and you have all the makings of an iron clad, open and shut case.

But, just like all people in his predicament, he’s a greedy bastard who just wants to sue the company so he can get rich off of an accident. Now, I SAW the picture that the reporter put up and he doesn’t have a SCRATCH ON HIM! No bruises, no NOTHING! I hope the judge laughs it out of court but knowing the government’s disdain for Titan, the fan will most likely get rich. That’s sadly the world in which we live in.

The one who’s potentially going to be hurt by this the most is Punk. Knowing Vince, he’ll probably panic and take the belt OFF of Punk. Call me crazy, but he’s done it before and I was THERE to see it. Still have the ticket stub from the PPV too…..

 

 

QUICK CUTS TIME!

-John Cena will be named an honorary captain of the New York Jets. Isn’t it funny that they are going to make him the honorary team captain of a team in dire turmoil….just like his workplace?
-Everyone’s favorite slut Kelly Kelly has dyed her hair brunette. Now, she looks even MORE like a whore than ever before! The only difference that instead of looking like she could be in a porno, she looks like she’s stripping at Lookers.

 

-File this under the “No Shit, Sherlock” part of my filing cabinet: The talk is that John Cena will NOT be ready in time for the Hell in a Cell PPV and that Ryback will be taking Cena’s place, starting with a dry run at house shows this weekend. If it wasn’t painfully obvious, NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! BTW, I think these horror movies ARE having an effect on my psyche. I’m actually starting to LIKE the Ryback storyline. GOD HELP ME!!!!

 

-I’m always a fan of how Edge ALWAYS gets back at the moron marks who try and bullshit him. He told a fan who suggested he go to TNA and they’d treat him better: “Don’t believe the hype, kid”. What would TNA really do with a broken wrestler? Make him commissioner? Then again, he WOULD do a better job than Hogan….

 

-Remember my speech about Vince earlier? His plan is to bring in old “Attitude Era” stars for six months leading up to Wrestlemania. That’s JUST what the company needs. MORE OLD GUYS! What the fuck?! THAT’S Vince’s grand plan? Turn the WWE into TNA? Bury the younger guys? What you NEED to do is to fire people like Orton, Otunga, and all of the no talent hacks that you try shoving down our throats every week with the exception of Punk, Ziggler, and Ryder and bring up the ENTIRE NXT ROSTER! Isn’t it sad that I get better entertainment and enjoyment out of a DEVELOPMENTAL SHOW than anything on the main roster? PITIFUL!

 

-Speaking of fan trouble, did anyone catch the mother of that fan who’s sign Alberto Del Rio tore up to get some heat bitching and moaning about it? What’s worse, Dixie Carter’s pathetic attempt to cash in on it by offering the family four VIP passes to Bound For Glory and the chance to meet the TNA wrestlers? Yeah, because I’m sure the kid’s lifelong dream is to see an old man who’s got a sex tape out along with a bunch of washed up ex-WWE stars. As for the kid, you see what this generation’s turned into? PUSSIES! Shit, I remember getting called out by a heel as a kid and thinking that it was the BEST THING EVER! Now, these kids cry and whine. For fuck’s sake….

 

-On his bio page on WWE.com, they have labeled Tensai as an “overhyped disappointment”. Yeah…uh….Matt…remember what I said about you being a fucking FOOL to leave Japan for a Titan job? Looks like I was right on that, wasn’t I? I bet right now you’re ITCHING to go back to Japan…..TOO LATE!

 
That will do it for this week’s Wrestling Roundup. Be sure to come back next week for more. Now, I’m off to play some Doom 3 BFG Edition, Dishonored, Pokemon White Version 2, and Sonic Adventure 2 Battle HD. Busy weekend ahead! Enjoy the weekend everyone!

Wrestling Roundup 10/5/12

7 Oct
Welcome everyone to the blog that makes King Hunter piss in his throne and Dixie Carter wet her panties with lust. It’s time for another….WRESTLING ROUNDUP!!!As usual, check out AngryMarks.com for ALL of your wrestling news, recaps, and opinions. It is a website for marks, BY marks. Not the ones who started watching during the Austin or Cena era, but the ones who ACTUALLY know who Bruno Sammartino is and why he’s one of the greats or actually remember Steamboat vs. Flair from when it aired on Pay-Per-View and NOT by a WWE Documentary.
Anyways, let’s get started…..

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-I would be remiss if I DIDN’T start this week’s Roundup with the funniest and biggest news story of the week.

Now we all are aware by now that Hulk Hogan of all people had a sex tape out. But, it wasn’t until this week that we finally saw a portion of it all over the intrawebz. But now, Hulk Hogan and his legal team are sending cease and desist letters to EVERY SITE that may either host it or links to it.

I don’t know why he would. But I can only imagine. Why SHOULD I watch the damn thing? I know what happens. It’s the same in every “wrestling match” that the Hulkster has ever had. I’m really SO tempted to make a re-enactment of it just to show you what you DIDN’T see on the tape.

Here’s a recap of the opening minutes of the tape that you DIDN’T see:

It starts out with the girlfriend waiting in a canopy bed with ropes and turnbuckles around it.  She’s wearing nothing but panties that resemble Macho Man’s old tights. Then you hear the familiar strains of “Real American”. Hulk comes out like he usually does with his arms shaking and pointing at the makeshift canopy bed “ring”. He’s decked out in his old Yellow Trunks and Hulk Rules shirt.  He tries to slide in under the ropes but his girlfriend starts to attack him. Hulk comes back with a series of right hands and clotheslines her over the top rope to the bedroom floor. Then, he rips off his shirt and does his usual pre-match preening and posing.

He exits the “ring” to the floor and chokes his girlfriend with the shirt and then rams her head into the canopy post. Then, he takes her over to the dresser and slams her head on the top of it. Then, he picks up a steel chair(what a steel chair is doing in a bedroom, I have absolutely NO IDEA) and proceeds to whack her over the back with it. She goes down and he throws her back into the “ring”. Then he does his usual routine of clotheslines and punches until he whips her into the corner. She dodges and he goes right into the turnbuckles and crashes down onto the mattress.

She then proceeds to kick him and punch him as he’s trying to use the ropes to get back up. He falls again to the mattress and she exits the “ring”. She grabs his weight belt from the dresser and slides back into the “ring”. She then proceeds to whip him across the back with the belt about a half a dozen times. She then goes for the cover but Hulk kicks out at two.

She then picks him up off the mattress and whips him into the corner. She goes to the other side and gives him an Avalanche. He goes down and she goes out of the ropes and climbs to the top rope. She puts her hands to the sky a la “Macho Man” Randy Savage, jumps off the top rope about ten feet in the air, and connects with the Flying Elbow Smash. She goes for the pin and Hulk powers out at two.

Hulk’s on his knees hulking up. She hits him with a left hand. No effect. She hits him with a second left. STILL no effect. She hits him with a THIRD left. He gets up and stomps around the ring shaking his fists. She hits him again. He stops, shakes his head, and waves the finger at her. Not the middle finger, mind you. But, the index finger. She tries to hit him again, but it is blocked. Hulk then hits her with five right hands, whips her into the ropes and hits the big boot. Then, he runs off the ropes and hits the Big Leg. He goes for the pin but her foot’s on the rope.

He turns around to complain to the invisible referee and while his back is turned, she grabs her high heel shoe and hits him in the back of the head with it a la Sensational Sherri and Hulk goes down. She then climbs the ropes and hits ANOTHER Flying Elbow Smash. She goes for the cover and one….two…THREE! ZOMG! Hulk Hogan does the job!

She grabs the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt from under the ring and starts to celebrate until Hulk gets up. She turns around and gets another five right hands and then gets whipped into the ropes and gets hit with the Big Boot. Then, she falls over backwards and does a 360 over the top rope to the bedroom floor. Then he makes the three count motion with his hands and waves his finger as if to say that the count was bullshit. Then, “Real American” plays as Hulk is on the second rope facing the outside begging her to come back in as she retreats back to the locker room.

So….THAT’S why Hulk and his legal team doesn’t want anyone to see it. God FORBID if anyone sees the Hulkster doing the honors. It would be bad for his reputation!

Then again, it could also be that the sex tape reveals that he doesn’t have a “twenty-four inch Python” in his pants, but rather a “two inch Garden Snake”……

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-So, Sunny has decided to write an autobiography. Who cares? We ALREADY know everything there is to know about her. She’s a psychopathic bitch who eats Percocets like Tic Tacs, drinks like a fish, and gets into so much trouble with the law that she makes Lindsay Lohan look like a fucking SAINT in comparison. That and in her later years, she’s starting to look like Louise Fletcher from “High School High”. Can you imagine? You used to whack off to this girl back about fifteen years ago and she looks like THAT now. It’s enough to make you vomit.But, in a way, you cannot fault her. She’s doing what EVERYONE does when their star fades and they are involved in a HUGE scandal: they write a tell-all book. But, unlike Arnold’s book, NO ONE will buy Sunny’s. Why? Because why should you spend twenty dollars on a book when you can read her life story on the Internet for free. Why spend money to read the lies when you can read the truth for free? Sorry Sunny. We don’t want to hear another word you have to say anymore. If I want to hear bullshit, I’ll turn on Fox News. Either that or read Jake Roberts’ Facebook page. I’ll talk about THAT in a minute.
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-From the “I Cannot Fucking Believe It” files:Apparently, Ric Flair’s future wife number five is Wendy Barlow. As in FiFi the Barmaid from the old “Flair For The Gold” segments from WCW. That’s just….WOW….I guess Naitch has reached the end of his Little Black Book. Can you imagine THAT phone call?”Hmm…I need a new wife. Who can I pick? Wow! FiFi’s name is in this book! I was partnered with her for what? Five months? Her number’s still the same?! WOOOOOO!”I thought it was even MORE hilarious that the DAY that their relationship came out, WWE Classics on Demand put up Fall Brawl ’93. You know, the pay-per-view where Ric Flair and Rick Rude fight over FiFi? How life can imitate art, I tell you…But, in all seriousness, Wendy is one of my friends on Facebook and we’ve talked quite a bit. She’s also worked with not only Ric, but both of his sons. I’m guessing the kids got sick of all of Ric’s young wives and fixed him up with someone who’s more mature and familiar to the family? It makes sense. After all the trouble Ric’s been in, wouldn’t YOU as a son, want what’s best for your dad? I know I would.But, I wish them both the best and KNOW that she’ll keep Ric grounded and happy. After all, she’s loved by the entire family. That’s a start. At least now, she won’t have to go to Disney World to take a ride on Space Mountain.There is one more thing, though. I’m still wondering what happened at the house with Ric and his last wife. I have this image of her punching him and Ric flipping over the couch, running to the other side, climbing the arm rest, and Jackie throwing him off the arm rest and slamming him down through the coffee table. Then, Ric begs off to the corner of the living room and calls for J.J., Tully, or Arn. But, he’s stiffed them all so they won’t come.

MAN! I would’ve LOVED to have been in that house to see that. That would’ve been in the words of Peter Griffin: “Freakin’ Sweet!”

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-Speaking of Ric Flair, did anyone see the “official Halloween costume” that Ric is selling on his website? For $250, you can get a bathrobe that you can buy at Bed Bath and Beyond for $20, a wig you can get from Party City for $5, a boa from the same place for another $5, and a toy belt that you can get at Toys ‘R’ Us for $15. But, it’s signed by Ric Flair, so it’s WORTH the extreme overpricing.
Right?
WRONG!
If I’m going to buy and wear a Halloween costume, why would I pay all that money to get it signed when it’s only going to get dirty. If I’m paying all that money, I’m going to keep it pristine and NOT WEAR IT! Jesus Christ! THINK MCFLY! THINK!
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-On a personal note, a certain “alleged former” crackhead and favorite bar hopper of almost everyone took me off his friends list on Facebook after I tagged him in an anti-alcohol picture. He even had the nerve to call it ridiculous.It figures that someone who’s still on the wagon would call ridiculous a picture making fun of the negative effects of alcohol. But, it pisses me off seeing who it came from. Now, what follows was my response to him and all of those losers that he calls fans on his page. I am NOT referring to any of you, but it’s STILL a good read:”Let me tell you something about things being ridiculous:

-Ridiculous is blaming someone else for your addiction, such as when you blamed Honky for your addiction to pain killers because he hit you over the head with a guitar.-Ridiculous is having the company you work for bring in your wife because you were so out of control with your drinking.-Ridiculous is assaulting a fan backstage at a Superstars taping that just wanted an autograph.-Ridiculous is showing up drunk to an Indy show and forcing the young guys to carry your ass when they SHOULD’VE been learning from you. I take that back. They DID learn something that night. They learned how NOT to treat the boys.-Ridiculous is forcing promoters into illicit activities in order to get you booked for a show. Like buying you crack cocaine.-Ridiculous is demanding that everyone forgive you because all of a sudden you found God and all is supposed to be forgiven.I’m PROUD to sit here and say that I only drink once in a blue moon and I stopped smoking pot when I got out of high school. I’m better than you by default. As for your little virgin fans, they are to stupid to even INSULT a person correctly. But, I’m going to stop picking on them because they are just little jaded marks that come whenever their hero speaks and that’s all they have.

Me? I fix computers, do video production for companies and other organizations, volunteer in my city, and STILL have time to take care of my family, as well as write my weekly column.

So, I will not waste anymore time on people who’s futures are going to be either dead or working the grill at McDonald’s. BTW, notice how this is the FIRST reference to my whole motif. You marks say it all the time. That’s because you have to keep the lie up. I don’t……

BTW, this is NOT a “heel promo”, this is REAL TALK! I know you marks don’t know the difference.”

Yep. These Basement Creatures can be real pains in the ass sometimes. I tell you. Just take solace in the knowledge that you will actually GO PLACES in your life unlike Jake and his followers.

Now, with all THAT out of the way, it’s time for some……
QUICK CUTS:
-Anyone see Chris Harris’ latest whining about his time in WWE and how it caused him to quit the wrestling business? Yeah, apparently it wasn’t bad enough for you to come back to TNA looking like Glenn Danzig and collect another pay check, was it?
-WWE has quietly dropped the “incompetent GM” storyline for Booker T and AJ Lee. That’s just fucking great. Now, I have to deal with this bullshit for the foreseeable future? The very thing that made me do something that not even 1995 and 1996 Titan COULDN’T EVEN DO and make me quit watching Raw? I started watching again because the end was coming. Now that it no longer is, I think I’ll stop watching again. Besides, I’m running a month long horror movie marathon. I don’t have time for childish bullshit.
-Supposedly at Raw on Monday when Goldberg 2.0…uhh….I mean RYBACK, botched it with Albert….uhh…I mean TENSAI(for fuck’s sake), Vince put his fist through the wall and yelled at King Hunter “You see that? THAT’S the guy you want to push as the future of the company?!” and stomped off.
You know, I’d be pissed too if I saw that my son-in-law was fucking up the company I built. But, Vince shouldn’t be bitching. Remember all of the doozies that HE tried to pawn off as the future of the company? The Ultimate Warrior, Sycho Sid, Diesel, Lex Luger? Yeah, I think Vince needs to keep his trap shut and remember his OWN fuck ups before he talks about other people’s fuck ups…..

-The word going around now is that WWE is pissed at Edge because Beth is leaving. Why? What have they done with her recently that she should choose to stay? Besides that, how is it EDGE’S fault? Beth has a brain. She can make her own decisions. Edge loves her. Why would he lie to her and force her to do something that she doesn’t want to do? That’s how a REAL relationship works. But, Vince has probably lost sight of that considering that his own wife has been pussy whipping him for years. He’s probably lost sight of what true compromise is….

-So, now we know the official reason behind the godawful rules on Saturday Morning Slam is because of the network airing it. Supposedly, the CW is pissed about the Zack Ryder match and his finisher. Earth to CW: you’re in NO POSITION to make any “rules”. You’re LUCKY to have the WWE back on your network. You’re dead LAST in the ratings. Shit, you’re getting your ass handed to you by ABC and Fox and their programs SUCK! Take your rules, shove them up your ass, and give us REAL WRESTLING ON SATURDAY MORNINGS like we used to have when I was a kid.
-Thanks to the intrawebz, we now know that Kelly Kelly’s asking price is $10,000 for one night. Not since Heidi Fleiss has there been such a high-priced whore. I wonder if that’s just for one person or is that a flat rate. I’m allergic to Penicillin so I won’t DARE try and find out. I may be a journalist, but I’m not going THAT far….

That’s it for this week. Tune in next time for another Wrestling Roundup! Enjoy your weekend everybody!

Wrestling Roundup 9/28/12

29 Sep

Well, it’s Friday and you know what THAT means….it’s time for another edition of Uncle Vince and Aunt Dixie’s FAVORITE column: WRESTLING ROUNDUP!

As a plug before I begin this, check out Steve Juon’s site AngryMarks.com for all of your wrestling news and reviews and tell those queero faggots over at Wrestlezone to go fuck themselves. Instead of lies and half-truths, Steve gathers news from a VARIETY of sources so you get everything you need to know and unlike Justin LaBar, it’s all true.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get to the roundup:

 

 

 

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-In what is yet ANOTHER contradiction to WWE’s excuse that pulling the Attitude Era footage had absolutely, positively NOTHING to do with Linda’s election, the three disc Attitude Era set has been postponed until AFTER the election. I’d just LOVE to see the half assed excuses this time. But, here’s a memo to Titan Tower:

“Since you guys are trying to erase the Attitude Era stuff so bad, did you forget that your newest video game comes out on October 30th? You know, the one about the…ATTITUDE ERA?! I work as a poll worker and last I checked the election is on November 6th. Whoops! I guess that Irish mick lawyer of yours, Jerry McDevitt dropped the ball again. Tell me, Vince. How can I take your legal team seriously when they are building up more losses than the Detroit Lions? Seriously! Go ahead and tell THQ, who are already broke, that they have to postpone the game that will pay their bills for the rest of the year because your wife got butt hurt by a bunch of dirt digging politicians. Go ahead. I dare you. If you do, I shall chalk it up at yet ANOTHER loss to your crack legal team. Fuck you. Suck my dick.

Your friend, Johnny Blaze”

Now, let’s move on while I wait by the mailbox for a subpoena….

 

 

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-I’m all for making money and for the Indies to thrive, but even the most stuck up wrestling fan has to admit that enough is enough now. Did you see all of the shows for Wrestlemania weekend? JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY! As Owen Hart would say: “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” Now, I can handle the ROH shows or the PWG shows or even the *GASP* CZW shows. But, this year it seems that everyone and their mother has made at least two shows for Wrestlemania weekend. It’s not variety. It’s OVERSATURATION!

I still don’t understand the logic of having these shows in the first place though. Most of Wrestlemania’s live crowd come from other states and countries. Like these people will REALLY want to go out of their comfort zone and watch an Indy show some hour and a half away when they can just as easily walk across the street to Axxess? They are going to save their money for the big shows. They aren’t going to spend it on an Indy show. The few shows from ROH and others are fine when kept to a minimum. But, there are only so many smarks. The shows are supposed to be kept at a minimum so they can go to all of them. If you have an oversaturation, your audience will be thin to none.

Let me give a perfect example:

Say I fly into California on Friday afternoon for a wedding on Sunday night. I can make that plus a couple of dates with friends and maybe a reunion and actually stay because it’s only a few things to do.

But if I have the wedding on Sunday night and between Friday afternoon and Sunday night, I’m expected to be at three family reunions, five birthday parties, two funerals, three births, the rehearsal dinner for said wedding, the bachelor party, and then the reception, chances are I’m not going to attend everything because it’s humanly impossible and there are going to be a lot of disappointed people.

That’s what’s going to happen on Wrestlemania weekend. There are going to be a LOT of disappointed boys, girls, and fans and all because of greed. Proof positive of the biggest thing wrong with promoters in the business: they put their money before their brains. I’m looking at YOU, Eric Tapout. B.L.O.W. me!

Yeah, that’s a REAL great name for an ALL FEMALE PROMOTION! Sexist pig…..

 

 

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-Another note to WWE and I’m sure EVERYONE will agree with this one:

ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING LISTS!!!

We’re sick and tired of them! We don’t need a list for every fucking thing! I know you guys love to hire outsiders and make them writers but did you hire the guy that makes David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists? Judging by the content of your website, it sure in the fuck seems that you did.

But, since you’re so fond of lists, I have a few for you to do:

*The Top Ten Reasons That Randy Orton STILL Has A Job
*The Top Ten DUI’s In WWE History
*The Top Ten Reasons The Miz Is So Over With People
*The Top Ten People Who Are Asking For Their Releases
*The Top Ten Reasons Why Someone Thought The XFL Was A Good Idea

You know….lists that we ACTUALLY want to know about. Shit, I’d like to know why Orton still has a job or why The Miz is so over with the fans.

 

But being we’re talking Top Ten Lists, I have one of my own and it comes from the home office in Fucking, Austria.

Now, you all know about a group of people in WWE taking PCP and Marijuana and thinking that it was a great idea to make a Scooby Doo movie with WWE Superstars. So, I’d like to present to you….

 

THE TOP TEN MYSTERIES THAT MYSTERY INC. SHOULD INVESTIGATE IN WWE

10. Whatever happened to Batista’s appeal for his failed piss test?

9. Why are Chris Hero and Tyler Black STILL not on the main roster?

8. Why haven’t they committed R-Truth for talking to an imaginary person while Daniel Bryan had to go to anger management?

7. Why is the Miz so over with the fans?

6. Who thought it was a good idea for Skinner to run FCW?

5. Why was Abraham Washington fired for a rape joke, but Cameron got a slap on the wrist for a DUI, attempted bribery, and obstruction of justice(not to be confused with a MISCARRIAGE of justice although it certainly feels that way…)?

4. How the hell do the main eventers who fail their piss tests get a world title run, but the mid-carders who fail get suspended?

3. Who is booking this shit?

2. What happened to the Wrestlemania pay-off for the mid-carders?

 

And the number one mystery that Mystery Inc. should investigate in WWE is…..

 

1. How the hell does Randy Orton STILL have a job? 

 

I’m sorry. I’m STILL stuck on that…..

Moral of all of this? STOP WITH THE FUCKING LISTS!

 

 

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– Did anyone catch King Hunter’s interview about Jerry Lawler’s heart attack? That had to be one of the most self centered things I’ve ever seen. It’s one thing to credit the doctor and EMT’s, but to make it look like it was the WWE that saved him and emphasize the company more than the individual, it sickens me.

I’d put it right up there with Stephanie’s speech after 9/11 comparing the terrorist actions on American soil to the big bad federal government coming down with good reason on her daddy. But, then again, they ARE married to each other. It’s one ditz marrying another ditz. I can’t wait to see their kids grown. It’s like Carlos Mencia used to say, if you’re a dee and you marry a dee, then your kids will be….DEE DEE DEE!

Never mind “Thank God Jerry’s alright” or “it’s a miracle that he’s here, talking normally and alert”. No, thank God for the COMPANY! You know, I wondered how long it was going to take before the company exploited this. Now, we know. It’s two weeks later. Poor Jerry. I wonder if he even KNOWS that they are just exploiting him.

I tell you one thing though. If I had to deal with that shit on a daily basis with Titan, I’D have a heart attack too….

 

 

So, did you people think that this blog was going to be just taking shots at Titan? GUESS AGAIN, FUCKERS! It’s TNA’s turn! As Mike Goldberg would say: HERE WE GO!

 

 

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-So, TNA’s finally let the cat out of the bag and stripped Devon of the TV title. They made the announcement that it’s up to four people for that strap: Mr. Anderson, Magnus, Samoa Joe, and Garrett Bischoff.

Remember that song, kids? “One of these things is not like the other…..”

Yeah. This would be one of those times. So, who doesn’t fit? Let’s see if you can guess this one……

 

 

Time’s up! If you answered ANYTHING but Garrett Bischoff, do me a favor and get the fuck off of my blog….like NOW!

If you were smart and DID pick Garrett Bischoff, well done! I salute you. You clearly are a fan and know what should and shouldn’t be.

 

I’m willing to bet however that the people who think differently and thus were uninvited from this blog, are TNA management.

What the hell did this kid do exactly to be in that four? What skills does he possess to even GET a strap? Notice how I said “skills” and NOT “qualifications”. Because let’s face it, if I were to use the word “qualifications”, it could be brought up that he has a last name that’s known in the business.

Yes, it’s the old “He’s Got A Famous Last Name So Let’s Push Him” routine again. Aren’t we just SO excited for that shit! Because apparently having a “last name” in this business AUTOMATICALLY qualifies you to get the motherfucking keys to the kingdom.

Look, I understand that it’s a blessing and a curse, guys. But,  just as it is for you wrestlers, it is for us fans as well.

There HAVE been names that were good in this business, but most are just plain SHIT! For every exception like Curt Hennig, there were about five or six that were complete shit like David Flair. But, promoters, seeing through rose colored glasses have this belief that just because someone has a last name, that automatically makes them good.

To THAT, I say: AU CONTRAIRE!

For you people that aren’t educated, that means “on the contrary” or “non comparable” in French. You just learned a new word in a foreign language.

You’re welcome!

In English, what I said was BULLSHIT!

Look at Randy Orton for example. All the motherfucker can do are headlocks, a punt, a temper tantrum that broke BOTH of his shoulder blades, and the RKO. Yet, because for some damn reason that people cheer him, he’s taken as being a good worker.

PREPOSTEROUS!

I can do a fucking headlock and I never had formal training. Anyone who’s ever played football can do a punt. The RKO is nothing more than a Diamond Cutter and last I checked, thirty two years old is too goddamn old to be doing a temper tantrum. I stopped that shit when I was seven!

Just like Garrett Bischoff. Since these morons cheer him for whatever goddamn reason(although, my money’s on him looking like the guy that flips burgers at Burger King and since that’s pretty much the occupation of most of the dumb wrestling fans, they are drawn to him like flies to a pile of shit), they push him to the moon.

This boy cannot chain wrestle nor does he know any moves PERIOD. If he was entertaining enough, that could be overlooked. The Ulitmate Warrior is a PERFECT example of this. But, this kid’s not even entertaining. He’s fucking BORING! Besides that, the only high profile match he’s ever won was against his daddy, who’s ALSO not a worker. Every time else, he’s gotten his ass handed to him more times than the Washington Generals. For those of you that didn’t get the reference, those are the opponents of the Harlem Globetrotters. They lose EVERY game but with an occasional win, just like Garrett Bischoff.

What the HELL is he even DOING in that class of four? Last I checked, don’t you have to oh…I don’t know…WIN to get a title shot? Naw, fuck that! He’s got a last name! Put him in there! It’s bullshit, plain and simple. That spot should be given to someone more deserving, like Sonjay Dutt, Kenny King, or fuck, even Gunner’s green ass.

It should NOT be given to someone just because they are not only a last name, but the SON of one of the promoters! Remember the LAST time that happened? That company is no longer WITH us, is it? I rest my case….

 

 

 

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-Speaking of bullshit, the state of the Knockouts division. Unlike WWE, you have a chance to have better women’s wrestling than them, which isn’t that hard to begin with to be honest. I mean, I could take two bimbos from the local strip club, teach them basic wrestling holds, and put them in a Jell-O wrestling ring and they’d have a better match than ANYTHING the Divas division can do.

You have great workers like Mickie James, Tara, and ODB under contract, but because a certain fat fuck who used to wear make up, red panties, and squealed like someone had a vice grip on his testicles hates anything even remotely female, the division is in serious danger of collapsing.

You SHOULD know who I’m talking about by the description. But if you don’t, I’ll introduce you anyway. It’s BRUCE FUCKING PRITCHARD!

You might know him best as Brother Love. You know, the faggot preacher with the glasses who was always flustered around men and told them that he loved them? Yeeaahh, THAT guy. The one who got stripped to his panties in an image so horrifying and scarred so many people that they cut the part out of all future airings and home videos of that event. Might I add, he scarred more people in that one image more than Fox News did airing that suicide.

Oops! Too soon?

 

Still, that’s not too far from the real Bruce Pritchard. How? Let’s me list it for ya:

*Both men are loudmouthed pricks
*Both are yes men
*Both are really good at lying and padding their resume
*Both fluster real easy around the company of dudes
*Both say “I Love You” to grown men
*Both hate females unless they have male qualities(sorry Sherri, but it’s true. You CAN scrap like a dude, so….)
*Both don’t know shit about what works in the wrestling business
*Both make a living at making others miserable
*Both are nice on the outside but once you see their true colors, they are even worse than the devil
*Both love to talk shit and then run from a fight when confronted

Need I say more? All he was in Titan was Vince’s right hand man. Yet, in TNA he has the keys to the kingdom and the power to use them? If I were those women, I’d leave too. It looks like they had some brains mixed in with that silicone. I wonder what Prickard, as I like to call him or Dickard, is going to fuck up next over there. No wonder why TNA’s become a running joke…..

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-Speaking of running jokes, TNA has now passed a policy that their talent can only appear on DVD’s made by them.

How is this bad?

Consider the fact that almost EVERY independent promotion in the world puts out DVD’s of their shows. Since as Jesse Neal showed us, most of TNA’s talent don’t get paid very well, if at all, most of their livelihood comes from these independent shows. If the independent promotion cannot use you on their DVD’s, then they don’t want to book you. If they don’t book you, you don’t get paid.

So, in hindsight, TNA expects these people to rely on their TNA paychecks alone to make ends meet. Most of their talent only gets paid about $200 for a taping…AT MOST. How the FUCK do you expect a human being to live on only about $500 a month? You can’t. It’s not like YOU are going to raise their paychecks to make up for this, DITZIE! Are you REALLY that senile to think that a $10 DVD is really going to hurt you at ALL? Are you mad because more people go to independent shows than your own Pay-Per-Views? Are you mad that more people watched the latest PWG show than Impact Wrestling last week? Grow the fuck up!

But, considering the fact that she pretty much fucked the FOUNDER OF THE COMPANY OUT OF HIS OWN LIFE’S WORK mainly because she was butt hurt that he wouldn’t fuck her, my guess is that she is indeed, THAT senile.

Say what I will about Titan, even the developmental guys get $1,000 a WEEK. That’s four grand a month. Knowing this, I bet that there are MANY people that want to leave. But, because you are such a bitch that you filed a bogus lawsuit against Titan preventing them from hiring ANY of your talent, they cannot leave because Vince or King Hunter won’t even LOOK at them and are stuck there as prisoners. You might as well rename the Impact Zone to TNA State Penitentary.

People who always say Vince is the anti-Christ and the worst person on the world should REALLY have a look at YOUR record. You are “Satan In High Heels”. Come to think of it, I think they made a movie about your life by the same name. I’ve seen it and I think it’s damn accurate. I just hope Serg doesn’t see it. But then again, I guess he’s into being someone’s little bitch……

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-Now remember what I said before about Jell-O wrestling bimbos could put on better matches than the WWE Divas? If you don’t, you clearly were not paying attention.

But anyways, there are a couple of exceptions to that, but from the latest reports, I don’t think they’ll be there much longer.

 

As has been widely reported, Beth Phoenix is leaving the company and wrestling itself altogether. Now, let me address this.

If you need any reasons why, there are a few possibilities that could be the perfect mix.

 

First of all, she’s currently dating Adam Copeland, who is better known as Edge. He’s retired and there’s no doubt she’s seen through him that there truly IS life after wrestling. Both are wrestling fans at heart and are able to see things in this business for what they really are. In other words, they are NOT jaded like some of these models and bodybuilders who come in to become “sports entertainers”. They know when it’s time to hang them up because they’ve seen it many times before. They are students of the game.

 

Secondly, Beth has been a worker since 2001, meaning that she has eleven years under her belt. It may not seem like much, but trust me, it’s a LIFETIME in the wrestling business. Especially how physical it is now and that anyone and their family can be workers whether they know how to or not. There’s not as much protection as there used to be when there were just trained workers and it was a harder business to get in. It takes a toll on your body as well as your spirit, especially since she’s one of only a couple of people in that company who can actually work in the Divas division. It’s a harder burden.

 

Thirdly, another factor is her father. Stories were going around about it, but the confirmed one is that there was a HUGE death in her family. Coupled with the fact that it was widely known that her father was really sick, anyone can put two and two together and realize that she’s mourning her father’s passing.

I don’t care WHO you are, the fact that a father never got to see his grandchildren really takes a toll on you. I’m estranged from my parents and stepfamily, so I think about that sometimes myself. How am I supposed to explain to my children where their grandparents are? You can’t. If that’s going through my mind, I’m sure it’s going through Beth’s as well.

Also in that train of thought is that Beth is 32. Her biological clock is ticking. She is at the point in her life where settling down becomes a priority. I’ve personally seen it. Shit, most of my aunts growing up were in their early thirties and single. I used to hear that shit ALL the time. So, that’s DEFINITELY another factor as well.

 

Finally, she’s the best worker on that Divas roster and she gets shafted consistently for people who don’t know a wrist lock from a wristwatch. Let me tell you, you can only take it for so long before you get tired of it. Imagine if you were like one of my friends. He’s MORE than qualified to be a manager where he works, but that spot is consistently given either to outside hires or people that the boss favors for their looks. THAT’S what Beth had to deal with in Titan. I don’t blame her for quitting because of that alone.

Nevertheless, with all of these factors, I’m surprised that she didn’t leave a while ago. But still, she deserves it and I wish her the best in all of her future endeavors. I know Titan loves to throw that line around, but think about it. Do they REALLY mean that when they say it? Nope! But I do! Especially to Beth. I had lost all faith in women’s wrestling being as good as it was when I grew up until I went to an independent show and saw her work Jillian Hall. It was that feud that made me fans of both women. I met Jillian recently at an Indy show here in Jersey and she was flattered when I mentioned it. I had a great time meeting Jillian and I one day hope to do the same with Beth. But, I’m sure I will as anything’s possible in this life.

 

 

 

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-Beth isn’t the only one who’s making a run for the door like Arnold Schwartzenegger in that scene from Total Recall. Apparently, Beth’s impending exit is just the first in what’s being called a “mass exodus” of Divas. No shit! Most of them are hitting thirty and as I stated before, that’s the point in a woman life where she starts to try and wind things down. Not to mention that fans are starting to lose interest in the Divas because let’s face it folks, I hate to admit it(in fact I REALLY hate to admit it because I don’t like women being treated like objects) but with the WWE being PG, the real draw of the Divas division is fading away fast and I DON’T mean their amazing wrestling talent.

Well, I may be talking about it in SOME fashion….

The main draw of the Divas division, as I’m admitting begrudgingly, is that you have a bunch of half naked women rolling around rough housing. Added to that is the fact that their ring gear is so tight that it really shows off their….ahem….”assets”. The core audience of professional wrestling are males. So, when you have a group of women rough housing in barely there ring gear made for the purpose of showing you enough to get you to work with your imagination to slap your dick around, it’s going to be a hit.

But, since Titan is PG now, the women are being asked to cover up and wrestle. But, most of them weren’t hired to trade holds like Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat. They were hired for their ability to “prick up” an audience. These women are not wrestlers so much as they are glorified rats. So, when the job description changes and you can’t fill it, you leave.

I would NOT be surprised if the Divas division takes a nose dive. Titan realizes it. That’s why they brought in Sara Del Rey, the best women’s wrestler on the PLANET, to train these Divas how to wrestle. But, let’s face it folks, Sara will have as much success training these bitches how to wrestle as the United Nations had getting the Israelis and Palestinians to work out a peace treaty. In short, it’s IMPOSSIBLE and Sara Del Rey, as good as she is, will be running out of the door screaming like Supernanny did with Eric Cartman on that episode of South Park. Also, I cannot WAIT to see how long it takes for one of these “Divas” to throw into Sara’s face that “they shouldn’t learn from her because she’s not one of us” or that “We’re higher on the food chain than you so we don’t have to listen to you”. I really hope Sara stretches them real good when they say that and teach these little bitches a lesson that they will NEVER forget!

But, I really don’t give a shit if the Divas division DOES in fact, die. There is only ONE women’s promotion I watch and that’s Shimmer. At least those women know how to WRESTLE and not have to dress like sluts to get my attention.

But, you have to admit this one fact. If the daughter of Eddie Guerrero wants to get the hell out of dodge, then you KNOW something’s not right over there….

 

 

 

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-Speaking of bitches getting out of dodge, the angels in heaven started singing when it was announced that everyone’s favorite whore Kelly Kelly was released today.

This is proof positive that there IS a God. He might take forever sometimes, but the job gets done eventually.

She went on her Twitter and thanked everyone for her time there. I bet she even left a little “going away present” for a few of the boys that they’ll WISH would indeed “go away”.

This bitch is the EPITOME of my earlier discussion. She wasn’t brought in to wrestle. She was brought in to strip down to her underwear and show some skin. Then, they decided(most likely under the influence) that she should wrestle. What a clusterfuck THAT turned out to be. Within a few years, the Women’s Division turned into the DIVAS division and most of the good female workers got the fuck out of dodge. No WONDER why! They decided to make this glorified ring rat the centerpiece of that said division.

Then, if that wasn’t bad enough, she then tried her hand at doing some….ahem….”method acting” with the boys. As much as I hate Randy Orton, he told the truth. How do we know this? Because as SOON as he said that, he was forced to issue an apology and then WWE brass gave the Divas belt to her as their own apology. They probably even gave her a choice of the boys backstage too, but all we know is what is out there, so that’s all we can work with.

Now, there are people wondering why she left. My money is that she’s fucked all of the boys backstage there and decided to try her “method acting” skills in Hollywood. Good luck finding a movie role. The only movie role that she’s going to land is the role of a chick getting some dude’s dick shoved down her throat, and why not? She clearly has enough experience. Chyna did it and she succeeded….somewhat. But, goddammit, we NEED someone to break that barrier between wrestling and porn. But, to be honest, I don’t know why there’s even a barrier to begin with. I mean there IS wrestling in porno movies. But, not exactly the kind we see on television each week.

Other than that, there is a saying which fits in VERY well in this scenario: “Good riddance to bad rubbish” and Kelly Kelly was indeed that: RUBBISH!

So, good riddance! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out! At least I can sleep easier tonight knowing that I won’t hear that god awful theme music of yours or be blinded by your horrible wrestling skills.

As a postscript, I heard that she left on “good terms” and that “the door is always open for her to return”, which means that if the boys need a blonde to give them a good blow job, they’ll know who to call.

One final note to anyone that’s ever slept with her, you might want to get tested. I hear her pussy is a toxic wasteland….

 

 

Well, that wraps it up for this week! Tune in next week for another Wrestling Roundup. For now, I’m Johnny Blaze signing off!

Wrestling Terminology For Dummies: “My Twitter Was Hacked”

22 Sep

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Well, it’s time for another chapter of “Wrestling Terminology For Dummies”.

I do this more as a public service if anything so you can be just like the annoying smarks on the internet who claim to be wrestling insiders but are really 40 year old fat virgins who still live with their parents and made a troll cave in the basement.

Like this guy:

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orrrrrrr….this guy:

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Yeah. These people are a true embarrassment to the wrestling business and I’m ashamed to be associated with these people. But, now, you TOO can be just like this! But better because I’ll be your instructor and believe me, YEARS of dealing with these assholes has given me PLENTY of experience because unlike them, I’m a normal human being that just happens to love wrestling and actually have my head screwed on straight and in touch with reality, but not with myself. I don’t need to lower myself like that lmao.

 

 

Anyways, here is your first lesson:

“MY TWITTER WAS HACKED!”

No doubt you’ve seen this in some form or another, whether it be celebrities, politicians, or athletes. This is VERY common in the wrestling business. It happens on a regular basis. So, what does this mean? I’ll give the example, and then the meaning.

Let’s use our FAVORITE example…NO! Not Amanda Bynes or Lindsay Lohan. This is a WRESTLING TERMINOLOGY lesson. We’re going to use Tamara Bytch, otherwise known as Sunny.

A while back Sunny made an anti-homosexual remark on Twitter, telling a wrestler who criticized her “war” with Reby Sky calling him a  “chicken shit faggot piece of crap” and that she’d knock him out. Yet, this was the SAME WOMAN who tried to get New Jack to kill her ex who was a cop because he beat the stuffing out of her. She could knock out a gay man and strangle her ex-boyfriend three times, yet she couldn’t defend herself against a cop?

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Sheesh…

Anyways, what was her response?

Shortly after she tried to justify her actions by saying:

“dude, i have a gay cousin who i love to death… but this kid was a faggot…totally different.”

Yeah, I like how she pulls out the old “black and nigger” defense. Because a gay and a faggot are really SO much different….

Way to go, Sunny! I think the years of using the blonde hair dye are starting to fuck with your mind.

Then, maybe in a moment of sobriety or common sense(although my money is on the former and not the latter), she realized she fucked up and what did she do? Did she take responsibility? NOPE! She just claimed her Twitter was hacked, like this:

“I would like to apologize for the statement on my account… someone hacked into my acct . Im not that type of person. was not my statement,”

“hey, I have a homosexual cousin, who i Love to death… I’d never say anything derogatory about him or anyone else.. my fav cousin!! Greg.”

“listen people, i have a gay cousin… he’s awesome, and I love him to death… Id never say a word about him or anyone else. GREG SYTCH.”

So, let’s break this down, with her tweets in bold:

“I would like to apologize for the statement on my account… someone hacked into my acct . Im not that type of person. was not my statement,” 

I realize I’m wrong but I’m too much of a chicken shit to take responsibility and admit my actions. I’m trying to protect what little is left of my positive public image by denying I said anything.


“hey, I have a homosexual cousin, who i Love to death… I’d never say anything derogatory about him or anyone else.. my fav cousin!!
Greg.”

I’m using the same defense that racists use when they get called out for using racial slurs by putting a cousin of mine that happens to be gay out there and calling him my favorite so I can get this heat off of my back.

“listen people, i have a gay cousin… he’s awesome, and I love him to death… Id never say a word about him or anyone else. GREG SYTCH.

Why the fuck won’t you people believe me? I’m telling the “truth”! Scout’s honor!

This is just one example. Wrestlers use this all the time. It’s just a ploy to take the heat off of them because they think we’re stupid. But, we see RIGHT past you motherfuckers! You can’t fool us! We’re not as stupid as you think and we don’t buy into your bullshit excuses and lies. Save that for your bosses when you try and convince them that you’re a better worker than what you really are(I’m looking at YOU, John Cena)!

So, until next time, this has been another entry in “Wrestling Terminology For Dummies”.

Wrestling Roundup 9/21/12

21 Sep

Well, it’s that time again for the wrap up of wrestling news for this week. This is one of the pillars of this blog. As such, you will see this pop-up on occasion.

Now, let’s jump right into it.

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-Jesse Ventura appeared this week on Howard Stern to announce that he will run for president in 2016 and wants Howard Stern as his running mate. No, I’m NOT making this up. But, there is a catch. He will only do it if the people start a grass roots campaign and convince him that there are enough supporters.

This guy DOES have the qualifications to do it. After all, he was a Navy SEAL, a former governor of Brooklyn Park, and former governor of Minnesota.

He also has the right plan in mind. He wants to cut defense spending to balance the budget, make a constitutional amendment to treat companies separately from individuals so that they would not be able to use the protections that were given to private individuals, and repeal the Patriot Act which in itself is unconstitutional.

But, there is one thing lacking: common sense.

He wants to run on his own ticket, which isn’t bad as it happens all the time. But, he wants to run a grassroots campaign WITHOUT telling people how they can get involved. I, for one, want to help, but with no direction as to what he’d need here in my state, I cannot help at all. He wants to lead our country, but the first rule in leadership of anything is to give directions to your charges.

If I were to start a job at McDonald’s(Man! For a person who’s never worked there, I use that analogy an awful lot….), would the boss just stick me on the fryer or grill with NO INSTRUCTIONS WHATSOEVER? No! He’d train you and give you literature to take home so you can study out of work. That’s leadership at work.

You’d think someone who’s been a former governor, mayor, and Navy SEAL would be an EXPERT on leadership. This just proves he has a lot to learn about that. But, given how he’s in his early sixties and looks like the Crypt Keeper, I highly doubt he’ll learn anymore anytime soon.

So, until that happens, I’m afraid it’s just another example of Jesse running off at the mouth with no action. Which is a DAMN shame as he is very bright with his insight. He just needs to actually take that step like he used to instead of being holed up in the Baja, writing books, creating conspiracy theories out of thin air of which only a few are actually true, and bitching and moaning that the so called news stations don’t want to talk to him.

As for Howard Stern running with him, I’d like it if it’s the Howard I grew up with instead of “Hamptons Howie”. I love how for years and years, he pitched a shit fit about the government fucking him over and crucifying him(which he made into an album and I STILL own). But the minute he got his wish of being able to say whatever he wanted, he’s just been a pussy. He doesn’t have that edge anymore and to be honest, it was edgy because he was rebelling against something.

It wasn’t the language, content, or controversy that got our attention. It was the presentation. Let’s face it. Since he’s had the Sirius show, the presentation isn’t what it used to be. He’s got NOTHING to rebel against anymore and he’s lost his touch. He’s not funny anymore. He’s just tiresome.

He’s got millions of dollars, a trophy wife that whips him around like her own personal pet, million dollar property, and a place where he can say whatever he wants without getting into trouble. What the hell has he got to rebel against? Nothing! If he wants to grab people’s attention anymore, he needs to turn back into the old Howard Stern who used to live in an apartment in New York, had a wife that loved him, had friends who would die for him, and went to a job he was pissed about every day.

But, that will never happen, so I should stop wasting my breath on that subject…

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-I’ve been hearing a lot of complaining about the finish to the John Cena-CM Punk WWE Championship match this past Sunday. I had some time to think and you know what? It makes perfect sense. WWE just launched their whole “Breast Cancer Awareness” program of which John Cena is the poster child like everything else that company does nowadays.

They launched it with that Pay-Per-View and it didn’t make sense for John Cena to lose considering that alone. Who really wants to see a guy come out with new gear to support Breast Cancer Research get beat the night he comes out with it? At the same time, Punk is a great champion and you JUST turned him “heel”, so you don’t want him to drop the strap either. The solution? The old double pin finish.

The double pin finish is stupid in itself as why the hell would the referee count both shoulders down and consider it a draw? But, then again, doing a Broadway is lost on today’s fan and even if they tried, I’d think Cena’s tongue would be down to his feet in the first 20 minutes of the match. So, that’s definitely out.

I laugh at people complaining that they paid money for a PPV only for the match to end in a draw, but we’ve been doing it for years. Ric Flair would come into town to defend his belt against our top local guy and most times it would be a draw or an overturned finish. Either way, it was bullshit and we complained. But we still spent that money the next month and we LOVED it.

Proof positive that fans today don’t know SHIT about the business.

Speaking of Cena, that elbow surgery seemed to be bad timing, don’t you think? The whole Breast Cancer thing just lost its poster child to surgery. Also, I’m curious to see what they are going to for CM Punk since now the Hell In Cell match for the WWE Championship is going to be a throwaway match most likely.

My solution? Take a face that you want to get over like say…..Kofi Kingston or Jack Swagger(since WWE supposedly wants to turn him face) and build him to the moon. In the match, have him come within inches of beating Punk and make it a GOOD match. Then Punk somehow escapes with the belt. It’s a win-win situation. Punk still has the belt and you have a new main eventer. But, WWE’s “creative team” consists of the same people who scripted Heidi and Spencer’s fights on “The Hills” and came up with stupid web show ideas for “iCarly”, so I have NO fucking faith in these people whatsoever….

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-Speaking of the WWE’s initiative of Breast Cancer Awareness, I think it’s bullshit that only the faces get to wear pink. Someone like Dolph Ziggler who wears pink ALL THE TIME got told that he cannot wear the color anymore because he’s a heel. WHAT THE FUCK?! It’s a COMPANY WIDE INITIATIVE. Anyone who wants to support it should be able to. Major League Baseball does this and they don’t restrict who wears the colors. Neither does the National Football League. So, why is WWE doing that? I was singing the praises that it was a good thing that they are supporting the Komen Foundation, but reading into it more and seeing what’s going on, it sickens me.

Those Divas should support this too. Those silicone implants will give them cancer before anything else would. I’m waiting for the moment on live TV that they take a hard bump and their tits burst. Wait a minute! THAT’S why WWE’s Diva matches suck. If they take too hard of a bump, they’ll explode!

But, what should be a good thing is slowly turning into just another thing that Linda’s campaign can point to and say “See? The WWE does positive things! Remember, Be A Star?”

Oh yes, that. They are still doing that. Stop bulling!

Alex Riley gets bullied backstage by John Cena and a few other top guys. He goes to management to complain and they take him off TV. Be A Star indeed!
Great example for the kiddies? It’s okay to bully people if you’re the top brass there.

I think two things are funny about this:

1. The WWE pulls this Breast Cancer campaign out of their ass right after they get accused of objectifying women on their programming.

2. Isn’t it funny to a man who just got divorced to support Breast Cancer?

Let me be honest with you guys. Cancer hits me REALLY hard. I’ve had NUMEROUS friends, family, and loved ones die from Cancer or battle it. I just lost one recently. Cancer is VERY serious to me. But, when a company claims to support it all the way, but they don’t, it pisses me off. I DO support the Komen Foundation as well as WEspark. But, I’ll support them directly like I have been for years and NOT through a promotion who’s only doing this to get the promoter’s wife a Senatorial seat when her only qualifications are spending almost $100 million dollars and sitting in only a handful of meetings as a member of the Connecticut Board of Education. By a handful, I mean less than TEN!

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-Speaking of Linda’s campaign, the WWE has removed all “Attitude Era” footage from their YouTube channel because it was being “misused by political parties”, yet later in that same press release, they claim that it wasn’t because of politicians that they took it down. That alone should set the tone for this entry.

Is WWE really that senile? Whoop-dee-damn-doo! You took down some footage from YouTube. There’s still VHS tapes, DVD’s, WWE Classics on Demand, as well as other various outlets to still get hands on that footage. That’s like putting a wad of bubble gum on a leaky dam. It’s not only stupid, it’s not going to work.

I also love how they expect us to believe that WWE is not doing it for Linda’s campaign and that the WWE has nothing to do with Linda. Anyone with a BRAIN knows that Vince McMahon still runs the promotion. Linda is his wife. They LIVE together! If she wants something done, she can walk five feet and tell him face to face. That’s his wife. Of COURSE he’s going to do what she asks.

Need more proof of this bullshit parade? WWE is so adamant about being “family friendly” and having G and PG rated television, yet their biggest demographic of fans are in the 35-50 age group. Look on their site. You’ll see it. That is before they wind up taking it down, doctoring it, and putting it back up.

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-As for the WWE creating jobs and treating everyone fairly, that’s bullshit. Case in point: Abraham Washington got fired for a rape joke, yet Drunkydactyl Cameron not ONLY gets pulled over for DUI, she both lies about her employer AND tried to bribe the officers with $10,000 to let her go and she only gets a 15-day suspension.

Now what is worse to you: a rape joke or a DUI, lying to police, AND attempted bribery?

As someone who’s lost a very dear loved one to a drunk driver’s head on collision, it APPALLS me that she only got a slap on the wrist. Worse than that is the nerve of WWE to have their Superstars sit there with a straight face and do advertisements for drunk driving. DUI is a VERY serious thing. Why should I believe they really support this when their Superstars rack up DUI’s like Tommy racks up points in pinball?

This is a COMMON thing with them. BELIEVE me. This won’t be the last you hear about things like this.

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-Tammy Bytch…uhh…I mean SYTCH about a few months back decided to rip all of her critics one and not out of her ass like I’ve always believed her words come out of, saying that she’s getting her life back together and that she will be a new person when she comes out of rehab. Mind you, this is coming from a person who’s been her own biggest advertisement and has been a major pain in the ass over the years. I could write a book about it all. That’s how much is out there that she did.

Yet, fresh out of rehab, she was arrested not once, not twice, but THREE FUCKING TIMES! If that wasn’t bad enough, all were within a day or less of each other!

For those keeping score, here’s the breakdown of arrests:

*Tammy was first arrested for disorderly conduct on September 11 at 8:55 PM … in an incident involving her ex-boyfriend who was living in the house where the altercation took place.

*Tammy was released the next day (Sept. 12) on $500 bond … and enjoyed several hours of freedom before ARREST #2 at 4:49 PM … when she was popped for disorderly conduct and strangulation. She was also charged with violating a restraining order.

*Tammy was released the next day (Sept.13) on $25,000 bond … and enjoyed several hours of freedom before ARREST #3 at 8:00 PM … when she was popped for once again violating a restraining order.

All of this involved her now ex-boyfriend. You know the guys she gushed about and said that she has the perfect life now? This is the SAME woman that asked fellow wrestler New Jack to kill another ex of hers claiming that he beat the stuffing out of her. So, now we DEFINITELY know she was full of more shit than a Christmas goose as she was arrested three times for strangling another man.

Then she went on Tweeter(Twitter) and said “Lesson to men: Cheat on a good woman, You get choked out.” before it was taken down, presumably on the advice her attorney who no doubt has his or her work cut out for them. Trust me from personal experiences with people that I work and am friends with, getting Tammy to act like a decent human being is as impossible as getting my grandfather to take a bath. It’s downright IMPOSSIBLE!

I’d laugh my ass off if she tries to claim that her Twitter was hacked. That seems to be the de facto excuse wrestlers use when their words are turned or used against them.

But, I tell you. Tammy and her attorney must be REALLY FUCKING STUPID to think that a prosecutor won’t find that tweet. That tweet is on EVERY wrestling site. It’s even been screen capped. A prosecutor’s job is to dig to find anything they can find to use in their case. I can find it and I’m no prosecutor. If the prosecutor cannot put Tammy away based on that confession alone and her history, then they must REALLY be the worst prosecutor in history.

Karma’s a bitch, Tammy. But then again, you are too, so you should know full well what it’s like.

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-There are rampant rumors that WWE and All-Japan Pro Wrestling have struck a working agreement and that All-Japan will act as a developmental territory in some capacity for WWE guys.

While I do think this is a good idea, as Japan is THE place to go if you wish to become a successful professional wrestler and actually work a match, it will ONLY work if WWE does NOT touch the All-Japan Dojo personnel. Which means no sending over your own trainers or any of that shit. Leave the work to the people in the dojo. They know what they are doing and it’s worked fine thus far. If they do this, it’s a step in the right direction.

Another reason is that WWE feels they could use the All-Japan brand to open doors for them in Japan. Too bad that they don’t realize that All-Japan has not been relevant since Misawa left and took most of the roster with him to create Pro Wrestling NOAH.

Let me illustrate this point another way:

Remember the episode of “The Simpsons” where Homer dreams of owning the Dallas Cowboys and gets the Denver Broncos instead?

That’s basically the situation with WWE and All-Japan Pro Wrestling.

Still, being sports entertainment, a better match for them would’ve been DDT. I would love to see a fatal four way for the Ironman Heavy Metal Weight Championship with Hornswoggle, The Miz, a Ladder, and Yoshihiko the inflatable love doll…..

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YEAH! That’ll put some asses in seats as Tony Schiavone would say. He’d also say that this will be the greatest night in the history of our sport and lied about that so…..

That’s all for now. Join me for the next installment next week and every week.

PEACE, LOVE, AND ALL THAT OTHER WARM AND FUZZY BULLSHIT…

Welcome To The Dark Side of the Moon!

21 Sep

Well, folks. I’ve decided to give this another go and make it bigger. I’ve done blogs and posts in the past, but this will be different.

I’m doing blogs whenever I feel something needs to be said. I’ll try to do one every week with some Facebook highlights and one a week In my “Famicom Spotlight”, where we will be taking a look at the Japanese NES and all of the cool shit that most people never saw or knew about.

I will also work this into my YouTube channel so you’ll get a unique experience of print and video never before attempted.

What you’re going to see might be risqué, controversial, and down right looney at times. But, there will also be those serious issues that need to be discussed. In other words, if you can take serious what should be serious and lighten up on the crazy or risqué stuff, you’ll enjoy what I bring to the table. I’m not Amanda Bynes crazy or anything and believe me, I’ll get to that and MUCH more, but I’m a performer.

I love to entertain and be goofy, so just strap yourselves in and get ready for a wild ride! My first official post will be in a few days as I’m currently overcoming yet ANOTHER sinus infection. So, I’ll see you all in a few days!