-I would be remiss if I DIDN’T start this week’s Roundup with the funniest and biggest news story of the week.
Now we all are aware by now that Hulk Hogan of all people had a sex tape out. But, it wasn’t until this week that we finally saw a portion of it all over the intrawebz. But now, Hulk Hogan and his legal team are sending cease and desist letters to EVERY SITE that may either host it or links to it.
I don’t know why he would. But I can only imagine. Why SHOULD I watch the damn thing? I know what happens. It’s the same in every “wrestling match” that the Hulkster has ever had. I’m really SO tempted to make a re-enactment of it just to show you what you DIDN’T see on the tape.
Here’s a recap of the opening minutes of the tape that you DIDN’T see:
It starts out with the girlfriend waiting in a canopy bed with ropes and turnbuckles around it. She’s wearing nothing but panties that resemble Macho Man’s old tights. Then you hear the familiar strains of “Real American”. Hulk comes out like he usually does with his arms shaking and pointing at the makeshift canopy bed “ring”. He’s decked out in his old Yellow Trunks and Hulk Rules shirt. He tries to slide in under the ropes but his girlfriend starts to attack him. Hulk comes back with a series of right hands and clotheslines her over the top rope to the bedroom floor. Then, he rips off his shirt and does his usual pre-match preening and posing.
He exits the “ring” to the floor and chokes his girlfriend with the shirt and then rams her head into the canopy post. Then, he takes her over to the dresser and slams her head on the top of it. Then, he picks up a steel chair(what a steel chair is doing in a bedroom, I have absolutely NO IDEA) and proceeds to whack her over the back with it. She goes down and he throws her back into the “ring”. Then he does his usual routine of clotheslines and punches until he whips her into the corner. She dodges and he goes right into the turnbuckles and crashes down onto the mattress.
She then proceeds to kick him and punch him as he’s trying to use the ropes to get back up. He falls again to the mattress and she exits the “ring”. She grabs his weight belt from the dresser and slides back into the “ring”. She then proceeds to whip him across the back with the belt about a half a dozen times. She then goes for the cover but Hulk kicks out at two.
She then picks him up off the mattress and whips him into the corner. She goes to the other side and gives him an Avalanche. He goes down and she goes out of the ropes and climbs to the top rope. She puts her hands to the sky a la “Macho Man” Randy Savage, jumps off the top rope about ten feet in the air, and connects with the Flying Elbow Smash. She goes for the pin and Hulk powers out at two.
Hulk’s on his knees hulking up. She hits him with a left hand. No effect. She hits him with a second left. STILL no effect. She hits him with a THIRD left. He gets up and stomps around the ring shaking his fists. She hits him again. He stops, shakes his head, and waves the finger at her. Not the middle finger, mind you. But, the index finger. She tries to hit him again, but it is blocked. Hulk then hits her with five right hands, whips her into the ropes and hits the big boot. Then, he runs off the ropes and hits the Big Leg. He goes for the pin but her foot’s on the rope.
He turns around to complain to the invisible referee and while his back is turned, she grabs her high heel shoe and hits him in the back of the head with it a la Sensational Sherri and Hulk goes down. She then climbs the ropes and hits ANOTHER Flying Elbow Smash. She goes for the cover and one….two…THREE! ZOMG! Hulk Hogan does the job!
She grabs the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt from under the ring and starts to celebrate until Hulk gets up. She turns around and gets another five right hands and then gets whipped into the ropes and gets hit with the Big Boot. Then, she falls over backwards and does a 360 over the top rope to the bedroom floor. Then he makes the three count motion with his hands and waves his finger as if to say that the count was bullshit. Then, “Real American” plays as Hulk is on the second rope facing the outside begging her to come back in as she retreats back to the locker room.
So….THAT’S why Hulk and his legal team doesn’t want anyone to see it. God FORBID if anyone sees the Hulkster doing the honors. It would be bad for his reputation!
Then again, it could also be that the sex tape reveals that he doesn’t have a “twenty-four inch Python” in his pants, but rather a “two inch Garden Snake”……
-So, Sunny has decided to write an autobiography. Who cares? We ALREADY know everything there is to know about her. She’s a psychopathic bitch who eats Percocets like Tic Tacs, drinks like a fish, and gets into so much trouble with the law that she makes Lindsay Lohan look like a fucking SAINT in comparison. That and in her later years, she’s starting to look like Louise Fletcher from “High School High”. Can you imagine? You used to whack off to this girl back about fifteen years ago and she looks like THAT now. It’s enough to make you vomit.But, in a way, you cannot fault her. She’s doing what EVERYONE does when their star fades and they are involved in a HUGE scandal: they write a tell-all book. But, unlike Arnold’s book, NO ONE will buy Sunny’s. Why? Because why should you spend twenty dollars on a book when you can read her life story on the Internet for free. Why spend money to read the lies when you can read the truth for free? Sorry Sunny. We don’t want to hear another word you have to say anymore. If I want to hear bullshit, I’ll turn on Fox News. Either that or read Jake Roberts’ Facebook page. I’ll talk about THAT in a minute.
-From the “I Cannot Fucking Believe It” files:Apparently, Ric Flair’s future wife number five is Wendy Barlow. As in FiFi the Barmaid from the old “Flair For The Gold” segments from WCW. That’s just….WOW….I guess Naitch has reached the end of his Little Black Book. Can you imagine THAT phone call?”Hmm…I need a new wife. Who can I pick? Wow! FiFi’s name is in this book! I was partnered with her for what? Five months? Her number’s still the same?! WOOOOOO!”I thought it was even MORE hilarious that the DAY that their relationship came out, WWE Classics on Demand put up Fall Brawl ’93. You know, the pay-per-view where Ric Flair and Rick Rude fight over FiFi? How life can imitate art, I tell you…But, in all seriousness, Wendy is one of my friends on Facebook and we’ve talked quite a bit. She’s also worked with not only Ric, but both of his sons. I’m guessing the kids got sick of all of Ric’s young wives and fixed him up with someone who’s more mature and familiar to the family? It makes sense. After all the trouble Ric’s been in, wouldn’t YOU as a son, want what’s best for your dad? I know I would.But, I wish them both the best and KNOW that she’ll keep Ric grounded and happy. After all, she’s loved by the entire family. That’s a start. At least now, she won’t have to go to Disney World to take a ride on Space Mountain.There is one more thing, though. I’m still wondering what happened at the house with Ric and his last wife. I have this image of her punching him and Ric flipping over the couch, running to the other side, climbing the arm rest, and Jackie throwing him off the arm rest and slamming him down through the coffee table. Then, Ric begs off to the corner of the living room and calls for J.J., Tully, or Arn. But, he’s stiffed them all so they won’t come.
MAN! I would’ve LOVED to have been in that house to see that. That would’ve been in the words of Peter Griffin: “Freakin’ Sweet!”
-Speaking of Ric Flair, did anyone see the “official Halloween costume” that Ric is selling on his website? For $250, you can get a bathrobe that you can buy at Bed Bath and Beyond for $20, a wig you can get from Party City for $5, a boa from the same place for another $5, and a toy belt that you can get at Toys ‘R’ Us for $15. But, it’s signed by Ric Flair, so it’s WORTH the extreme overpricing.
Me? I fix computers, do video production for companies and other organizations, volunteer in my city, and STILL have time to take care of my family, as well as write my weekly column.
So, I will not waste anymore time on people who’s futures are going to be either dead or working the grill at McDonald’s. BTW, notice how this is the FIRST reference to my whole motif. You marks say it all the time. That’s because you have to keep the lie up. I don’t……
BTW, this is NOT a “heel promo”, this is REAL TALK! I know you marks don’t know the difference.”
Yep. These Basement Creatures can be real pains in the ass sometimes. I tell you. Just take solace in the knowledge that you will actually GO PLACES in your life unlike Jake and his followers.
-The word going around now is that WWE is pissed at Edge because Beth is leaving. Why? What have they done with her recently that she should choose to stay? Besides that, how is it EDGE’S fault? Beth has a brain. She can make her own decisions. Edge loves her. Why would he lie to her and force her to do something that she doesn’t want to do? That’s how a REAL relationship works. But, Vince has probably lost sight of that considering that his own wife has been pussy whipping him for years. He’s probably lost sight of what true compromise is….
That’s it for this week. Tune in next time for another Wrestling Roundup! Enjoy your weekend everybody!
Blaze's Corner 
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